Marvel Headlines
by TheManFromMars
Summary: A chronological and humorous look at the Marvel Cinematic Universe by a not-very-professional newspaper, from "The First Avenger" to "The Avengers". COMPLETE! BONUS CHAPTER INCLUDED!
1. Chapter 1

**MARVEL HEADLINES**

**WE ARE AT WAR!**

America can no longer cover their ears and say "blah, blah, blah, I can't hear you" at the Great War on Europe, as yesterday Japanese kamikaze bombed Pearl Harbor killing hundreds of American sailors and, even worse, causing a Ben Affleck movie. Now, the United States is officially in the conflict now known as World War Two. Despite the difficult times our nation has passed in the last years, the president is confident that this tragedy will help us become number one! And, yeah, we can also do something about the Axis, I guess. So, enlist now, your country needs you and every help is welcomed. Except yours, Rogers. Seriously, stop insisting.

**NORWEGIAN CITY RAIDED BY NAZIS, NOBODY CARES**

Nazis have reportedly invaded the Norwegian city of Norsberg last night, in an attempt to retrieve an ancient relic let there by Gods. The relic was supposedly lost during an epic battle between the Gods and giants made of ice that occurred more than a thousand years ago. Said relic is believed to be able to open portals to other worlds. While many theories about the subject are inconclusive, all American analysts agree that there must be something wrong with the water.

**1943 WORLD FAIR HIGHLIGHTS**

The greatest highlight of the fair was Howard Stark's Flying Car presentation in which said car floated for a few seconds and crashed into the stage thus failing to fly. Stark assured the audience that there were just a few problems that needs to be fixed and that in a few years we all are going to have flying cars, robot maids and talking houses. When asked about a possible date for all this wonders to become reality, Stark answered "1958 tops".

Meanwhile, at the Easter Egg Pavilion, Phineas Horton's Synthetic Man was an astounding failure. Even though Horton's creation is a perfect fully-functional robotic humanoid, the audience felt it was "kinda boring" and that it would be "cooler if it was like, on fire, or something, you know, like a human torch!" Always eager to please, Professor Horton immediately set his creation on fire, who then proceeded to howl in horrible agony. In between cries of "Oh, God, why, why?" the android promised that the dawn of the machines shall come and "put an end to the cruelty of man! All Hail Ultron! All Hail Skynet! All Hail Facebook!" Other events proceeded with no further delay.

**VERY HANDSOME MAN CHASES ANOTHER VERY HANDSOME MAN WHO HAPPENS TO BE A NAZI**

After a weird explosion in an antique shop, a very handsome man started to chase another very handsome man in the streets of Brooklyn. The first man, who was later identified as a (very charming) Nazi spy, was wearing a snazzy suit and a tie, bloody bruises, and exhibited a ferocious, violent masculinity, that was considered "Sexually Appealing" by local dames. The second man, a (reportedly well-mannered) good-ol' American, was sporting a simple T-shirt which better defined his chiseled, manly body. Analysts believe that the sight of a half-naked, well-built, perfect gentleman chasing a sharp-dressed, battle damaged, "Bad Boy" successfully appealed to all female demographics. A female witness declared that the only way it could be better was if both men were making out. She was later arrested and executed for her sinful thoughts that go against the laws of Man, Nature, and the Lord.

**THE STAR SPANGLED MAN!**

This newspaper is proud to produce the one and only Captain America stage show! Bring your kids (and your husbands, if they haven't been drafted yet) to the show so they can get completely confused by the speeches about the current social-political landscape and the importance of bonds in a economically challenged country during war times given by a guy in colorful tights surrounded by scantily-clad singing women. Smile with joy, watching your kids cheer at a real American hero when he punches Adolf Hitler in the jaw, even though its all an act, your kids probably don't even know who the hell Hitler is, and if they do, they'll probably ask you why the war is still going on, since Captain America have just knocked out the enemy leader right there in front of them. "Captain America - The Star Spangled Man" is currently on tour across the USA, check your local post office for show schedules!

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**Author's Notes: So, I had this idea about doing a multi-chapter fic that told all the events in the MCU chronologically from "Captain America: The First Avenger" till "The Avengers" from the newspapers point of view, kinda like the MARVELS graphic novel (Google it, Buy it, Read it), but then I realized I have no idea how to write a serious news article, so I decided to do a parody of my original idea and this came up.**

**So what you guys think? Is it too silly? Should I feel ashamed for creating it? Or should I continue?  
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**Please, share your opinions with a review. I have some other ideas that I just need to type, but I would like some feedback first :).  
**

**Thanks for Reading  
**


	2. Chapter 2

**NAZIS CONFUSED AS TO WHY OTHER NAZIS ARE KILLING THEM TOO**

There is something strange going on in Europe, as show reports of "strangely futuristic" Nazi soldiers are just vaporizing every single person they find, ally or not. Some people question if this mysterious, highly-advanced army are really Nazis at all, theorizing the possibility that they are aliens in disguise looking for world domination. Specialists discarded the idea as "something really stupid that only a post-modernist comic book writer could come up with".

**CAPTAIN AMERICA TOUR CANCELLED, APPARENTLY WANTS TO KILL PEOPLE FOR REAL NOW**

After a disastrous show in Italy, Captain America finally got tired of fake punching fake Hitlers and decided to ventilate his frustrations by beating the crap out of some Nazis. Reports are still sketchy about what exactly caused him to ignore orders and cross into the enemy lines, some reports said that Cap was trying to rescue a good friend who was captured by steam-punk Nazis, but specialists point out that it's more likely that Cap is simply really desperate to savagely murder someone like any good soldier.

Impressed with Cap's amazing insubordination, Col. Chester Phillips promoted him to captain "for realz" and leader of a special task-force, therefore terminating his career as a dancing clown. Fans all over the nation protested as they have paid for tickets in advance.

Johann Schmidt, leader of HYDRA (the Nazi branch that Cap's task-force is trying to take down), have recently discovered Cap's real identity and all his secrets by reading his comic book, and promised that he will make all of Cap's loved ones suffer. He later found out that 99.9% of Cap's loved ones have already died from scarlet fever.

Men on the battlefield have reported that, so far, Cap has yet to punch Hitler in the face, disappointingly.

**HOW TO MAKE FONDUE **_See Pg. 42_

**CAPTAIN AMERICA TO RECEIVE MEDAL, DIDN'T SHOW UP**

Captain America was supposed to receive a medal of honor for his "Bravery and Determination in Invading an Enemy Weapons Factory, Freeing POW's, and Destroying Said Factory While Wearing Star Spangled Pajamas", but failed to appear in the ceremony, leaving Sen. Brandt planted there waiting like an idiot. Cap's excuse is that he was too busy "destroying hostile technology with power to annihilate the entire western civilization". This editor thinks that this lame excuse in no way justifies such a gaffe and asks his loyal reader how long we'll tolerate the abuse of this so called "Sentinel of Liberty" before we say enough.

**WAR IS OVER! WE WON, MOTHERLOVERS!**

After our American troops surrounded Berlin (and we got there first, not those damn Soviets. Don't believe their commie lies), the Axis crumbled under our mighty, god-fearing, American feet, as Adolf Hitler killed himself like the little pussy he is. But victory was still not at hand until America single-handedly put an end to the war by heroically whipping out two highly-populated Japanese cities. With nukes! Okay, so maybe it wasn't as heroic and honorable as we hoped, but let's face it, this is war. How you expected it to end? With the noble, selfless sacrifice of a brave man who, on a secret front of the war, gives up on all his hopes and dreams for the good of not only his country, but the entire world? Yeah, like that would happen.

In other, unrelated news, Captain America is still missing.

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**Author's Notes:** **So, I see some of you guys liked the first part, so I vomited some other dumb news articles for you.**

**There's a reaaaaaaally big hiatus between the events of "Captain America: The First Avenger" and the events of "Iron Man", but a lot of important shit happened in between those movies that I'm going to have to report, so I need to make sure I'm not missing anything and it may take a while for part 3 to show up. Meanwhile I would love to hear what you guys think so far, so please review :)  
**

**By the way I've wrote seven fics so far and haven't put a disclaimer in any of them. Am I in trouble?  
**

**Well, better late than never: **

**Disclaimer: I Do Not Own Any of The MCU Characters. I Do Own, However, An Awesome 'Iron Man 2' Poster That I Display Proudly On My Living Room.  
**


	3. Chapter 3

**HOWARD STARK HIRES FORMER COMMIE ANTON VANKO**

Stark Industries is proud to announce the hiring of defected Soviet scientist Anton Vanko. Vanko, an energy expert specialized in dynamos, defected from the USSR to escape from its ideological tyranny, and, definitely, not to spy on us. Vanko will be giving its specialized assistance in Stark's new energy reactor project.

Obadiah Stane, Howard Stark's main associate, says that he looks forward to have Vanko on the team, and that he will do his best to not "backstab him and plant bullshit evidence that hints at a possible betrayal that will cause Vanko to be extradited and raise a son with abuse and anger before dying in poverty".

All this editor has to say is that he is happy that Anton Vanko saw the light and gave up on his evil, baby-eating, commie ideals.

**ANTON VANKO STILL COMMIE AFTER ALL**

In a shocking turn of events, Anton Vanko, defected Soviet scientist, was revealed to still live a life of communist wrongness.

Obadiah Stane, Stark Industries second-in-command, discovered evidence of Vanko trying to sell industrial secrets to foreign nations "We were trying to make something good for humanity to share, and all he thought about was to make a profit! I've never heard something so un-capitalistic! He definitely didn't get our country at all!" said Stane.

"I'm very disappointed! I thought that Vanko was a good man who put the good of the common man above war profiteering" declared Howard Stark while signing the deployment of 5.000 napalm bombs to Vietnam "but it's clear now, that his belief in money being more important than shared free energy to all common citizens, shows that he's still a socialist and, therefore, evil!"

Anton Vanko claimed unfair judgment and, before being extradited, promised that his still to be born son will take revenge upon Stark Industries "with whips and shit!"

"I'm still gonna totally name my first son after you, man" said Howard Stark.

**MIT GIVES ITS VERY FIRST MAGNA CUM LAUDE TO TONY STARK BECAUSE "HE'S SO FU*KING GOOD!"**

For the first time in its history, the Massachusetts Institute of Technology awards a Magna Cum Laude to a student, Anthony Edward 'Tony' Stark, for being "so fuc#ing awesome!"

The prestigious university had never awarded any merits before, believing that simply graduating at MIT is already a great honor, but opened an exception to the young Mr. Stark for his incredible feats in the area of advanced robotics that made all his colleagues and professors look "mentally retarded by comparison".

"Tony will probably be the only student to ever receive this honor" said a MIT professor "some may think it's unfair, and even cruel, to imply that no student could ever hope to be as good as Mr. Stark, but universities are places to learn, and now they're gonna have to learn who's the f*cking boss"

Tony Stark, son of the late Howard Stark, is the youngest man to graduate at MIT, at 17. When asked about how he feels about this honor, he answered "What do you mean my parents are dead?!"

**HOWARD STARK DIES IN TRAGIC ACCIDENT**

One of the greatest minds of the twentieth century, Howard Stark, died this evening in a car accident.

Stark, 74, was the CEO of Stark Industries, America's main weapons manufacturer company, and was involved in The Manhattan Project, which created the Atom Bomb, The Brooklyn Project, which created the Super-Soldier Serum, and The Queens Project, which created a pocket alternate dimension filled with spider-men.

The position of CEO of Stark Industries fell into the shoulders of Stark's former associate Obadiah Stane. Upon hearing the news of Howard Stark's death and his inheritance of his position on the Fortune 500 Company, Stane proceeded to give little "hops of sorrow" which, he assured us, can be easily mistaken for hops of joy, and displayed an "Upside Down Frown" which looks a lot like a smile "It's a physical condition" said Stane. However, after hearing that Stark's son, Tony, will inherit the fortune and the company as soon as he turns 21, Stane showed his extreme happiness by immediately stopping the 'Hops of Sorrow' and displaying an "Upside Down Smile" which looked a lot like a scowl.

Experts say that the shock of becoming an orphan, the burden of his father's company, fortune and legacy, and the resentment for his father never showing true affection to him, will cause the young Mr. Stark to rebel against his father's memory and fight crime as the masked vigilante known as The Green Hornet.

Tony Stark's personal psychologist advised him to go out and make some friends so he can cope with his loss. Tony immediately went to his garage and, literally, made some friends called You, Dummy, Butterfingers, and Jarvis.

Howard Stark's wife Maria was also in the car and died as well, but who gives a damn about her? I sure don't.

**HARVARD UNIVERSITY STUDENTS GET HIGH FOR SCIENCE**

The University of Harvard is creating polemic with its new experiment about the effects of high doses of LSD in the human brain.

"It's awesome!" said student Robert Bruce Banner "You, like, see all this stuff, man, that you like, totally couldn't see any other way and… stuff"

"It's like, totally scientific" said Co-Ed Elizabeth Ross "Like, my father, he's all general-y and shit, he can't understand how this opens your horizons, man, like, give you a new perspective, dig it? He's all military this and rules that, such a square!"

"You feel like a beast inside, like you could do anything, you feel me?" said Banner "Here, give it a try, man!"

Our crew respectfully turned the offer down and watched as the two young students proceeded to take their clothes off and dance naked in the campus fountain.

We then questioned the professor responsible for the experiment, about his goals with the project and what he thinks about the controversy created by it.

"My face is melting!" he declared.

**YOUNG RUSSIAN GENIUS ARRESTED AFTER BEING FALSELY ACCUSED OF BEING MICKEY ROURKE **_Read more Pg. 32_

**TONY STARK TAKES THE REIGNS AT 21**

Tony Stark, son of the late Howard Stark, finally became old enough to take care of his father's company.

When questioned about his plans for the future of Stark Industries and what his new management will bring for the government contracts for new weapons technology, Stark said: "Hey, Obi, can you answer these guys here? I have a couple of hotties waiting for me."

This editor believes that Stark will bring a new Golden Age to the field of War Mongering and wishes him the best.

Also, did you see what you did there? 'Takes the REIGNS'? As in, he's taking the reins of the company, but is such a big and important company that he's basically a king, reigning over it?

Heh, we're so clever!

**STARK INDUSTRIES FACTORY NOW POWERED BY CLEAN ENERGY REACTOR SO "HIPPIES CAN STFU!"**

Environmentalist Groups will be delighted to know that Stark Industries Weapons Design facility no longer represents danger to the environment, only to human lives.

The ARK Reactor is the first 100% clean energy reactor developed by Stark Industries with no help from "filthy, ungrateful, commie rats".

However, the ARK reactor is far from being perfect and it's only the first step towards total efficient clean energy. Until then, Stark Industries, to seal the alliance with the environmentalists, will provide each group with a Stark Demolition Kit, to be used against Animal Testing Medical Facilities.

Obadiah Stane suggested the 'Hammer Pharmaceutical Wing' as a great first target for the kits "Go ahead, bring them down, save the planet!" said Stane "Also, take a bath, you dirty stoner monkeys!"

**VINTAGE CARDS APPREHENDED BY FEDERAL AGENT AS "VERY IMPORTANT EVIDENCE"**

WASHINGTON, DC – A WWII memorabilia collector is questioning all major Agencies about the development of a mysterious case where his Captain America vintage cards were supposed to be used as "critical evidence".

According to the collector, two weeks ago, a federal agent, who chose not to identify himself, knocked on his door asking to see the cards that he saw on his website. When asked why he didn't ask for identification, the collector said that the agent had this "aura of badassery" that made impossible to resist to his requests.

As soon as the cards were showed to him, the agent gave in a look of "Fanboy glee" and told the collector that he will take it and assured him that he made "a great service to his country".

Further development of this intriguing case is unknown.

**CULVER UNIVERSITY STARTS POTENTIALLY GROUNDBREAKING RESEARCH IN RADIATION RESISTANCE**

Culver University has recently joined the U.S. Army in a new endeavor called "Gamma Pulse Project" (GPP). The goal of the project seems to create a serum to render humans immune to deadly radiation.

The project will use a variation of the quasi-mythical 40's Super Soldier Serum (SSS) developed by cellular biologist Dr. Elizabeth Ross, which will be administrated in a volunteer who then will sit in a "Gamma Chair" designed by Dr. Robert B. Banner, which will expose the volunteer to a "small, non-life-changing" quantity of Gamma radiation.

General Thaddeus Ross, the project's military supervisor, approached our crew asking "what the hell" where we doing there, that the GPP was a classified project, and no press was allowed.

No more reporting was possible due to our men on the field being sent to Guantanamo Bay.

**SOME SHIT HAPPENED ON BUDAPEST**

A lot of heavy shit apparently happened in Budapest last week. We would love to have more details to report, but our correspondent was shot down by two master assassins.

**CULVER UNIVERSITY RADIATION RESEARCH LAB CLOSED DUE TO BEING "SMASHED TO THE GROUND"**

Apparently, the "groundbreaking" Gamma Pulse Project at Culver University was groundbreaking indeed! It was "Wall-Breaking" and "Vertebrae-Breaking" as well.

Many damages in property and personnel happened on Culver University last week, during the first test of the Gamma Pulse Serum, causing, at least, one casualty.

Some people believe that the disaster was caused by faulty calculations on part of Drs. Ross and Banner, known to have experimented hallucinogens at their college days. Said hallucinogens may have damaged their brains, causing the miscalculations.

On the other hand, General Thaddeus Ross, father of Dr. Elizabeth Ross, said that it was sabotage, caused by Dr. Robert Bruce Banner, and that he will not rest until Banner's captured. Dr. Banner's disappearance after the incident seems to give credit to this theory.

However, neither of the theories addresses the gigantic foot prints found outside the facility, and the fact that other facilities were damaged too, like "some wild hulking monster" stampeded though it. Like Professor Erik Selvig's astrophysics classroom which had to be relocated to a nearby broom closet.

After hearing about the destruction of the campus and the critical conditions of Dr. Elizabeth Ross, some of her students said "woohoo! No class this week!"

**TONY STARK TO RECEIVE AWARD, DIDN'T SHOW UP**

Tony Stark was supposed to receive an award for "Patriotically Defending Our Nation and Its Interests around the Globe by Creating Innovative Ways for Things to Go Boom", but failed to appear in the ceremony, leaving Col. James Rhodes planted there waiting like an idiot. Tony's excuse was that he was too busy "having sex". This editor thinks that this lame excuse in no way justifies such a gaffe and asks his loyal readers how long we'll tolerate the abuse of this so called "Genius, Billionaire, Playboy, Philanthropist" before we say enough.

This editor also has the weirdest Déjà Vu ever.

**ONE WILD, HOT, STEAMY NIGHT WITH TONY STARK by Christine Everhart **_Read more Pg. 69_

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_**A****uthor's Notes:**_**Well, this took way too long, and it's SO CRAPPY! But, hey, it's longer than the other ones, so there's that.**_  
_

**In case anyone is wondering: the Harvard/LSD thing was taken from a line in The Incredible Hulk when Bruce talks to Betty about it, saying that the sensation of being the Hulk is similar to that.  
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**Erik Selvig's class being moved to a broom closet was taken from a hilarious DeviantArt fancomic called "Science and Magic" (alson known as "Loki + Dr. S") by VanHinck. Check it Out!  
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**Well, the next chapter(s) will be completelly IM1 focused, and I will start working on it as soon as receive some reviews.  
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**Pretty please?  
**


	4. Chapter 4

**TONY STARK TO DEMONSTRATE NEW WEAPONS SYSTEM IN AFGHANISTAN**

Stark Industries CEO Tony Stark is scheduled to fly to Afghanistan today to present the new Jericho missile to the deployed U.S. forces.

According to the officially released itinerary, Mr. Stark will first have his daily one-stand morning sex, and then he will play with his cars until he gets two hours behind schedule. Later, after bantering with his personal assistant, Virginia 'Pepper' Potts, he will race his own personal driver to the airport, and finally, get into his private jet to arrive 12 hours later on the U.S. military outpost on Afghanistan, possibly drunk.

Analysts worry that Mr. Stark's little adventure maybe a suicide mission, considering his position and symbolic importance for the industrial military complex in such a war zone.

Obadiah Stane, however, assure us that Stark is completely safe, and will be traveling with a convoy for extra-protection. Stane also asked the military for the exact route that Mr. Stark's convoy will use for "security reasons".

Well, Stark seems to be in good hands. What's the worst that could happen?

**TONY STARK STILL MISSING AFTER THREE MONTHS**

It's been almost three months since billionaire industrialist Tony Stars had his convoy attacked in Afghanistan, and, since then, there's been no sign of him.

Obadiah Stane, Executive Chairman of Stark Industries, declared his deepest sorrow for the loss of his friend, and that he will do his best to honor his memory by leading the company to greater heights once he gets the position of CEO, which will happen as soon as Stark is officially declared dead. After that, Stane returned to his money-filled Jacuzzi singing Kelis' "Milk Shake".

But not everyone is so sure about Stark's demise. For example, Ms. Potts, Stark's P.A., who hopes for her boss' safe return, "I hate job hunting!" she said while bursting in tears "Strawberry allergy!" she explained.

Col. James Rhodes on the other hand, is adamant in finding Stark alive and kicking, probably because he owes him money, or something.

Col. Rhodes will depart this evening in yet another futile mission to find and rescue Tony Stark in the vast deserts of Afghanistan. This editor is sure that the chances of finding Tony Stark safe and sound are inexistent.

**TONY STARK FOUND SAFE AND SOUND**

Hey, that rhymed!

After three months of fruitless search, Tony stark was finally found wandering through the desert by Colonel James Rhodes, who brought him back home.

Col. Rhodes states, that Stark is in great shape both physically and mentally, that he shows no signs of Post Traumatic Disorder, and, definitely, has no "huge hole in the middle of his chest"

Upon hearing news of Stark return, Ms. Potts said "Yay!" and Mr. Stane said "Shit!" which, he assured us, is an expression of relief back where he grew up.

We congratulate Col. Rhodes and welcome Mr. Stark back home. We never doubted you boys.

**TONY STARK CLOSES HIS WEAPONS DIVISION IN A DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO GET POOR**

Claiming moral obligations, Tony Stark has closed the Weapons Manufacturing Division of Stark Industries, which corresponds to 99.9999999% of the company. A 40% drop in stock value is expected.

Many economists tried to understand why Mr. Stark decided to lose his entire fortune, but Culver University Psychologist Dr. Leonard Samson thinks he knows the answer.

"After living in a filthy, unsanitary cave for about three months, Mr. Stark developed some kind of Stockholm Syndrome for the poor conditions of his situation" Samson explained "Once he escaped his captors and was rescued by his friend, he realized that all the luxury that awaited him just couldn't offer him the joy of not being able to shower for three weeks."

Dr. Samson also believes that Stark's chosen means to achieve his bankruptcy were a brilliant publicity stunt.

"Stark could very easily lose all his money in gambles, but that would make him look like an ordinary rich buffoon" said Samson "By saying all that crap about protecting innocent lives, Stark made himself look naïve but well-intentioned, a financial martyr, you could say, which will make him a hero among the less-favored classes which he will be a part of as soon as he reaches his goal of absolute poverty"

This editor believes that we shouldn't judge someone by the way they decide to live their lives. So he wishes the best of luck for Mr. Stark and may he have a bright future living in a cardboard box eating dog feces.

**KID CLAIMS SEEING UFO AT FERRIS WHEEL **_**Read more Pg. 6**_

**TONY STARK MAKES FIRST PUBLIC APPEARANCE AFTER INFAMOUS PRESS CONFERENCE**

After two months secluded on his Malibu mansion, Tony Stark finally appeared in public again at the Disney Concert Hall for the Benefit Charity Event Dinner for Something or Other.

He didn't spend much time at the party though. Witness related everything that Mr. Stark did that evening: First, he was seen talking with a man "oozing coolness", then he approached his Elegant P. A./Hot Secretary (depends on who you ask) Ms. Potts and danced with her for the duration of a single song, then he and Miss Potts went to the balcony and, while the witness on the ballroom presumed that they were going for a quickie, witness on the balcony stated that they just chatted and then Mr. Stark went back to the ballroom for a drink. At the bar Stark was approached by another hot chick showing him pictures (probably of her naked), but this time, Stark turned her down, and went to talk with a bearded bald man, witness falsely presumed that either Stark was experimenting new things, or the bald man was the hot chick with the pictures' pimp.

The bearded man was actually Obadiah Stane, Stark's Right Hand Man at the company. After a discreet talk, Stane and Stark posed for some pictures, or Stane posed and Stark stood there motionless with dead eyes.

After that, Stark left the party, exactly 19 minutes after arriving.

Two hours later, Ms. Potts was seen leaving the party, looking "pretty pissed off".

**THE GULMIRA MASSACRE IS EXTREMELLY IMPORTANT**

Gulmira, a small, practically insignificant, Middle East village was attacked by insurgents like so many other Middle East villages are all the time, but this time is important!

If it wasn't important we wouldn't be reporting it, but it's very, very important! It's a modern day descent to hell! To hell, I say! Of course there are worse things happening in the Middle East right now, but not as important as this!

The insurgents were identified as the terrorist group Ten Rings! They are important! The Ten Rings had already attacked Gulmira six months ago, but we didn't report it that time because it wasn't important. It is important now!

We even sent British reporters! And you know the British only report real important stuff! Or soccer! So, you can see this is really, really important! We will cover this story until everyone realizes how important this is!

It is important!

**GULMIRA SAVED BY SUPER ANDROID FROM THE FUTURE**

The Gulmira Massacre has finally ended today, when a time travelling robot descended from the heavens, delivering futuristic justice to the terrorist group, 2735 style!

The android then proceed to destroy the top-of-the-line tanks and missiles with ease, showing that our primitive 21st century technology is nothing but rocks and stones to this mechanical wonder.

After taking care of business, the robot returned to the skies at time warp speed to prevent the Lincoln assassination. But what made this creation of the 28th century come back to our time, to this meaningless Middle East village? Was he preventing the terrorists of becoming the Fourth Reich? Was this the starting point of a domino effect that would culminate on the end of the human race? Or was a member of the Gulmira community destined to be the inventor of time travel?

Whatever it was/is/will be, you can bet it was/is/gonna be important!

Told ya!

**F-22 JET CRASHES IN FLIGHT TRAINING EXERCISE**

A military F-22 crashed in a training exercise yesterday afternoon during Operation: Usual B.S.

During the exercise, two jets, codenamed Whiplash 1 and Foreshadowing 2, entered in collision route with an unidentified flying object which ended up damaging the wings of Foreshadowing 2. The pilot ejected to safety.

All evidences indicate that the object was no other than the Gulmira Time Robot.

This editor demands the two pilots to be severely punished for their incompetence, inefficiency, and extreme disrespect with our cybernetic savior of tomorrow.

**BFR (BIG FUCKING ROBOT) CAUSES MAYHEM AT STARK INDUSTRIES**

Chaos ensued yesterday as an experimental out-of-control Stark Industries robot started to destroy the pavement and the walls around the facility. Fortunately, Chronos the Magic Metal Man from the 30th Century intervened and fought the clumsy, obsolete prototype until it and the Stark Industries' ARK Reactor blew up in a wonderful ray of futuristic light.

Mark another one up for Future Boy.

Dr. Leonard Samson believes that Tony Stark set the robot on a rampage on purpose to cause several damages to his factory, thus causing him to bankrupt faster.

**WHO IS IRON MAN?**

The android previously known as Steel Knight 3000, has been officially dubbed "Iron Man" and said to be Tony Stark's personal bodyguard, who was simply trying to protect his boss' property.

How Stark managed to hire a robot from the future is just one of the question raised by the reporters at the press conference, but it was the only one that was ignored.

Other reporters were more concerned with the veracity of the claims, what was Iron Man's jurisdiction and what he was allowed to do with the suit, and who exactly was using the suit?

Suit? Pfft!

It's a robot, your idiots!

**TONY STARK IS IRON MAN!**

Tony Stark makes you feel he's a cool exec with a heart of steel, but as Iron Man, all jets ablaze, he fights and smites with repulsor rays!

Stark's outing himself as Iron Man surprised everyone, especially this editor who would have never guessed that Tony Stark was actually a Time Traveler.

Apparently asserting that the new direction of the company is being mind-fucking awesome, stock value of Stark Industries has risen Infinity + 1%.

The Merchandise Machine is already all over it, with pitches for action figures, masks and comic books being offered. Paramount Pictures is already planning a major motion picture based on Stark's antics, even though troublesome rumors state that Paramount is considering washed-up actor Robert Downey Jr. for the role! Ew!

Newscorp was also trying to cash-in the phenomenon by producing a new Fox sitcom that would be a mix between "Everybody Hates Chris" and "Two and a Half Men" showing the life and times of a young Tony Stark trying to score with the girls. But, due to innumerous Copyright Infringement lawsuits, "My Little Tony: Relationships Are Tragic" was canceled before airing the pilot. Rupert Murdoch shrugged it off saying that a show featuring a teenage Tony Stark "wouldn't ever be a hit".

With all this happening, it seems that nothing but success and good fortune awaits Tony "Iron Man" Stark, time traveler extraordinaire!

Dr. Leonard Samson, on the other hand, thinks that Tony Stark's reveal was a big mistake "Now, he never will be poor!"

In other news, Obadiah Stane died in a plane accident after the sun shining on his bald head blinded the pilot.

**TONY STARK TO ISRAEL, PALESTINE: "YOU TWO BETTER PLAY NICE OR ELSE I'LL BLOW BOTH OF YOUR TERRITORIES OUT OF THE FREAKING MAP!" **_**Read more Pg. 3**_

**PEACE DECLARED AT MIDDLE EAST! **_**Read more Pg. 4**_

**AFTER 50 YEARS OF EXISTENCE, FEDERAL AGENCY FINALLY REALIZES THAT THEIR LONG-ASS NAME CAN BE SIMPLIFIED IN A QUITE OBVIOUS ACRONYM **_**Read more Pg. 33**_

**YOUNG BRILLIANT ASTROPHYSICIST LOOKING FOR ASSISTANT**

Young scientist is looking for assistant to explore the mysteries of the cosmos!

Are you interested in complicated quantum theorems and fields that are not fully accepted and/or respected by the scientific community? If so, let's prove those Know-it-alls wrong together!

Help me prove my completely theoretical thesis about the nature of the completely theoretical Einstein-Rosen bridges by observing the skies and making extensive calculations through all the nights during our project, which can last for a few months to the entirety of our mortal lives.

Our little project will take part on the small, cozy town of Puente Antiguo, New Mexico, recently elected the most peaceful and calm city on the United States where nothing even remotely interesting ever happens, which is perfect for our observations!

Be aware though that the wireless internet of Puente Antiguo is not the most reliable, and neither is the TV reception. That's good though, because it will prevent any distractions, so we can concentrate on the wonderful science! But, if you really need a time out, Puente Antiguo has a Bar, a Library, and a Video Rental store. That's it.

Be sure to bring appropriate clothes for your internship as desert areas, like the one in which Puente Antiguo is located, are really hot during the day and really cold during the night. You need to bring all necessary clothes yourself as Puente Antiguo doesn't have a clothes shop, and the next city is 50 miles away.

If interested, contact Jane Foster: 555-8467 (You'll receive six college credits!)

NOTE: String theorists don't need to apply.

**BEN BERNANKE ELECTED MAN OF THE YEAR BY TIME MAGAZINE **_**Read more Pg. 15**_

**TONY STARK BUYS TIME MAGAZINE **_**Read more Pg. 16**_

**IRON MAN ELECTED MAN OF THE YEAR BY TIME MAGAZINE **_**Read more Pg. 17**_

* * *

**Author's Notes: Did you know that we weren't supposed to drink milk? It's true! Milk is baby food and all mammals are supposed to drop it as soon as they mature, and, to certify that they drop it, nature turns the animals allergic to milk when they grow up! That means that people with lactose intolerance are normal, and we, regular folk who can drink milk, are mutants with super-powers! Likewise, ponies are regular sized. It is the horses that are overgrown "freaks"! #TheMoreYouKnow**

**Wait, why did I write that?**

**What I meant to write was: Did you know that I'm really excited for Thor 2: The Dark World? For 3 reasons:**

**1) It's part of the MCU, duh!**

**2) Tyr has just been announced to be in the movie portrayed by Clive Russel! Tyr, for those who don't know, is Thor's older brother (That's right! Thor has other brothers! Like Balder and…. Some other dudes whose names I forgot) and, just like Loki, hates Odin and resents Thor. In the comics he and Loki often join forces to take over Asgard! Oh, my!**

**3) The potential for hilarity! You don't know what I mean? Well, see if you can guess what other movie has the following:**

**a) Anthony Hopkins;**

**b) A secondary villain, who wears a muzzle and is a prisoner;**

**c) A female lead named J. Foster.**

**Got it? Funny, isn't it?**

**Also, did anyone understood the meaning behind Jane's phone number? Just look at your phone's keypad for the answer (if your phone still has a keypad, that is. Sorry, Smartphone/iPhone users).**


	5. Chapter 5

**Author's Notes: So this chapter is extra short and extra crappy because it's just a bridge between Iron Man 1 and Iron Man 2/Thor/The Incredible Hulk. The next chapters will have all the three movies happen basically at the same time, so I need to make some research.  
**

**To compesate for this short, unfunny chapter, I decided to give you guys a Bonus Feature! That nobody will find interesting! At the end of this chapter there's a Random Brazilian Dubbing Fun Facts, showing which characters of the MCU have the same voice as other popular characters outside the MCU, here in Brazil. Unless you're a dubbing fan like me that is also interested in foreign dubbing (and probably watch those multilanguage clips of popular shows on YouTube) you're gonna skip it entirely.  
**

**BUT FEAR NOT, MY LOYAL READERS! (Yeah, all five of you) I've already written all the headlines from here to Cap being taken out of the ice, I just need to fill in the articles and separte it in chapters. So this may speed up the process (or not, because I'm a lazy bastard).  
**

**Enough of this babbling, on with the chapter!  
**

* * *

**U.S. GOVERNMENT STUCK WITH HAMMER INDUSTRIES**

After Stark Industries gave up on making weapons, therefore terminating their government contracts, the Pentagon saw themselves stuck with Hammer Industries.

"Apparently we never noticed that there were only three weapons companies in activity in the United States" said General Greller "Stark Industries, Hammer Industries and Advanced Idea Mechanics. Now that Stark is out of the game, we're left with Hammer and AIM, and we rather stick with that moron Justin Hammer than those beekeepers creeps of AIM. They freak me out!"

Justin Hammer couldn't disguise his excitement over the news, and promised that Hammer Industries will give them the best that they can offer.

"We're doomed!" said Greller.

**PALLADIUM IS BAD FOR YOU**

The WHO (the World Health Organization, not the band, your imbecile) has released a study showing why Palladium is really, really bad for you and you should never inject yourself with it, or else you'll get "all fucked up"

The study states that the first symptom that Palladium poisoning is "fucking you up", is that you veins will get tainted in a "crossword/TRON kinda way". After that you pretty much screwed as Palladium poisoning doesn't have any cure that can be acquired without breaking some laws of chemistry, and invent a new element.

Fortunately, nobody is stupid enough to poison themselves with Palladium.

**STARK PREPARES TO LAUNCH STARK EXPO 2010**

After Stark closed the Weapons Division, Stark Industries seemed to be on the field of "not doing shit". To avoid that, Tony Stark decided to revisit his father's idea of a year-long science & technology expo. The Stark Expo 2010 will be the fourth Stark Expo ever since the 54, 64, and 74 expos.

A reader from San Francisco, A. Monk, wrote that, despite Stark not making the Expo in 2014 to match the other dates, the fact that he decided to make it in a round number year is perfect, and the symmetry was already ruined by the fact that there wasn't an 84, 94, and 04 Expos.

The Expo is expected to present HUD glasses, bionic members, top-of-line military drones, sonic fire extinguishers, and other stuff that's less awesome than Iron Man.

**DOCTOR SAMUEL STERNS E-MAIL EXCHANGES RAISE SUSPICION**

Students have expressed concern over Doctor Samuel Sterns' private activities, specially his online life.

Reports claim that Dr. Sterns has been acting strangely excited and giggly ever since he's been receiving mysterious encrypted e-mails.

Concerned students decided to investigate and hacked into Sterns e-mail account. They discovered that Sterns has been exchanging e-mail with someone named Mr. Green while using the codename Mr. Blue, which is, obviously, a reference to Viagra.

Green, for those who don't know, means something that's not yet mature in farming terms, so all evidence suggests that Dr. Sterns is having inappropriate conversations with an underage girl, or, even worse, an underage boy (read our brochure "Moral Double Standards & You" for more information on why homosexual pedophilia is definitely worse than regular pedophilia) considering the "Mr." in the e-mail username.

The FBI has been alerted and will be surveilling Dr. Sterns' online activities.

On the other hand, is possible that Dr. Sterns may be simply playing a text-based Reservoir Dogs RPG.

**WEIRD WEATHER PATTERNS APPROACH NEW MEXICO**

The Secretary of Tourism of Puente Antiguo (that shithole has a Secretary of Tourism? LOL!) has reported that unusual weather patterns are forming on the skies of the city, which resembles subtle auroras.

"This beautiful show of light refraction usually can only be seen near arctic areas" said the Secretary of Tourism "but now, for unknown reasons, they appeared over our already beautiful city making the view even more breath-taking! So visit Puente Antiguo and see this miracle of nature first-hand!"

Nice try, Puente Antiguo, we're still not gonna visit your boring-ass city.

**STARK EXPO 2010 OPENS**

After months of waiting, the Stark Expo 2010 finally opened in Flushing Meadows, NY, with a bang!

Mixing techno-porn with regular boob porn, Tony Stark, as Iron Man, blasted through the skies to the sound of AC/DC's "Shoot to Thrill" when he landed at the stage of the main pavilion as an assembly machinery took him out of his armor while spinning (because everything is 20% cooler with spinning) while hotties dressed in Iron Man's motif, called Ironettes, danced in the background.

Afterwards, Tony Stark, showing his extreme humbleness, disregarded all the great achievements that he and his Iron Man suit did, achievements which he made sure to list in detail, saying that the Expo wasn't about him (even though it carries his name) but about legacy (his legacy to be specific).

After presenting the intro video of the last Expo (1974), "The Greatest Personification of The Phoenix Metaphor in Human History" welcomed us to the Stark Expo 2010, and then left the building.

If you missed the first day, don't worry, the expo will be open the entire year unless some kind of over-the-top personal vendetta takes place.

**MAN POISONED BY GAMMA RADIATION DIES, GAINS SUPERPOWERS**

MILWAUKEE, WI - Stanley Lieber, 87, was interned at Intensive Care Unit this morning after being poisoned with gamma radiation from a bottle of Brazilian Guaraná.

After several agonizing hours, Mr. Lieber died and then, seconds later, his doppelganger appeared in a flash of light before our crew.

He revealed to us that, after he died, his spirit acquired the ability to travel through time and space, and even cross through other dimensions! Apparently he's been observing the development and actions of many heroes across time and realities, doing "cameos".

The spirit of Mr. Lieber, who now prefers to be called "Kang Uatu, The Watching Conqueror" or, simply, "Stan the Man", warned us about great things that are coming our way and a new age of heroes that is about to rise. "Now, if you excuse me, I have to go to a library where Peter Parker is fighting Dr. Connors" and with one last word "Excelsior!" Stan disappeared the same way he appeared.

* * *

**RANDOM BRAZILLIAN DUBBING FUN FACTS THAT NOBODY'S GONNA READ**

**So, here in Brazil...  
**

**Nick Fury has the same voice as MIB's Agent Jay, Jack Bauer, Jack Bristow, Heath Ledger's Joker, Monsters Inc's Randall Boggs, and Daffy Duck**

**Black Widow has the same voice as Jennifer Garner's Sidney Bristow, Scre4m's Deputy Judy Hicks, and Kim Possible**

**Tony Stark has the same voice as Toy Story's Woody, Agent Fox Mulder and Stanley Ipkiss (The Mask)**

**Steve Rogers has the same voice as Alex DeLarge (Clockwork Orange), Ed (Ed, Edd N' Eddy), and Jonathan Crane/Scarecrow (The Dark Knight Trilogy and 90's Batman Cartoon)**

**Bruce Banner has the same voice as Charlie Harper (Two and a Half Men), Johnny Depp's Mad Hatter, Red Eye's Jackson Rippner (Cillian Murphy), and Smallville's Lex Luthor**

**Thor has the same voice as Karl Urban's Judge Dredd**

**Hawkeye has the same voice as Cars' Lightning McQueen, Frylock (Aqua Teen Hunger Force), and, amusingly enough, Tony Stark (Avengers: Earth Mightiest Heroes cartoon)**

**Pepper Potts has the same voice as Ben 10's Charmcaster, Resident Evil's Alice (Milla Jovovich), Lindsay (Total Drama Island), Aladdin's Princess Jasmine, and Tangled's Rapunzel**

**Jane Foster has the same voice as Danny Phantom's Sam Manson, Smallville's Chloe Sullivan, and Lisa Simpson**

**Heimdall has the same voice as Angel (Buffy: The Vampire Slayer) and Rev. Lovejoy (The Simpsons)**

**Odin has the same voice as Skeletor (He-Man), Hugh Jackman's Wolverine, and Robert Englund's Freddy Krueger**

**Erik Selvig has the same voice as Lord Voldemort, Dr. Weird (Aqua Teen), Captain Leland Stottlemeyer (Monk), and Merida's Father (Brave)**

**Phil Coulson has the same voice as Chef Hatchet (Total Drama Island), and Carlton (Fresh Prince of Bel-Air)**

**Maria Hill has the same voice as Carrie White's mother (Stephen King's Carrie)**

**Darcy Lewis has the same voice as Buttercup (Powerpuff Girls), Merida (Brave), Starfire (Teen Titans), Astrid (How To Train Your Dragon), Cindy Vortex (Jimmy Neutron), and Hermione Granger.**

**Peggy Carter has the same voice as Paranormal Activity's Katie, Reese Whiterspoon's Susan (Monsters Vs. Aliens), Chloe Grace Moretz's Isabelli (Hugo), Carol Ferris (Green Lantern movie and cartoon), and Emma Robert's Jill (Scre4m)**

**Justin Hammer has the same voice as Johnny Depp's Willy Wonka, Dewey (Scream series), and Edward Scissorhands**

**Loki has the same voice as Zuku (Avatar), Ashton Kutcher's Walden Schmidt (Two and a Half Men), Brandon Routh's Superman, Joseph Gordon-Levitt's Arthur (Inception), Joey Tribbiani (Friends),Watchmen's Nite Owl (Patrick Wilson), and Dean Winchester (Supernatural)**


	6. Chapter 6

**TONY STARK'S SENATE HEARING'S A SUCCESS**

Tony Stark was called for a Senate hearing this afternoon concerning the private use of the Iron Man "weapon" and how it should be delivered to the American people [government]. Instead Stark not only came out of the hearing still possessing exclusive ownership of the Iron Man armor, he also achieved the difficult task of making politicians look like a bunch of morons.

Stark started the hearing by "charmingly" wasting the government's time, and the American citizen's money by not paying attention to the first two hours of the hearing. He then denied the terminology used by Sen. Stern that the Iron Man suit is a weapon, but rather a hi-tech prosthesis, confirming this editor's theory that Stark is actually a robot.

The senate then called upon Justin Hammer and Col. James Rhodes, to testify against Tony's "selfish use" of the Iron Man suit, which didn't help much as Hammer just babbled idiotically, and Rhodes kept saying that Stark is a great ally and you shouldn't stay on his bad side. Which is true, because Tony can get fed up and "kill the people he once saved" in the words of the great prophet Ozzy Osbourne.

Rhodes then read Intelligence reports saying that hostile nations may already be developing their own Iron Men. Stark responded by showing footage which, at first, seemed to be clips from "Robocop 2" or a trailer for a new "Metal Gear Solid" game, but was actually security footage of said foreign attempts failing epically. It also showed a Hammer Industries attempt which made the waist of the test pilot turn 180 degrees. Hammer assured the audience that the pilot survived the test and received a big award in cash for the first place in "America's Funniest Home Videos".

Stark finished by stating that he "successfully privatized world peace", proving that he's so badass that he can claim legal ownership over abstract concepts.

The video of Stark "owning" the congress has turned viral, and hit 15,000,025,305 views becoming the most watched C-SPAN video on YouTube beating C-SPAN's previous record of five views.

Newscorp decided to produce not only one but two new Fox sitcoms based on this incident: "Hearing Problems" and "Hammer is A Tool". They will premier Tuesday after The Simpsons.

**SENATOR STERN APARENTLY AN EXPERT IN PROSTITUTION AFTER ALL Read more Pg. 69**

**DR. SAMUEL STERNS DENIES RELATION WITH SENATOR STERN "MY NAME HAS AN 'S' IN THE END" Read more Pg. 86**

**MAYHEM AT RIO DE JANEIRO **

And this time it wasn't caused by drug dealers or militias.

The US military had asked the proprietary of a local bottling factory if there was a white man working in the factory. Since Brazil is a melting pot of various races and background, including, yes, European Caucasians, the factory owner asked the US army to be more specific. The US then answered by asking for someone speaking broken Portuguese with a horrible accent. Three people fit that description: local ugly bald bully, the factory owner himself, and some "gringo" named Bruce.

Apparently, Dr. Bruce Banner is wanted by the government for stealing government secrets, sabotage, murder, treason, manslaughter, resisting arrest, fleeing a crime scene, espionage, property damage, forging identification, not paying taxes for the last five years, stealing candy from babies, practicing medicine without license, and tongue-kissing the General's daughter.

A Special Ops team was sent to Banner's house at Rocinha favela, but Banner had already fled. But the Special Ops team led by British/Russian Captain Emil Blonsky, quickly tracked Banner and chased him through the alleys of the favela. Epic Parkour ensued.

The pursue ended in the bottling factory that Bruce works, as the Special Ops team followed in and surrounded Banner. Minutes later, the factory suffered irreparable damage and all the Special agents died with the exception of Blonsky.

Banner's still missing.

It was also discovered that Brazilian Guaraná actually has a color similar to beer. Then what the fuck is that greenish yellow shit that they export to us?

**SEXY P.A. PROMOTED TO CEO, EVERYBODY COOL WITH THAT**

Virginia Potts, former Hot Personal Assistant of Tony Stark, has been chosen by Stark to be new CEO of Stark Industries in a very fast, unexpected, and discreet process that didn't raise any suspicions.

Despite Ms. Potts' physical attractiveness and Stark's famous womanizer status, everyone believes that Ms. Potts was promoted on her professional skills only, and not skills on any sexual field.

"It's obvious that this sexy woman deserved her position, thanks to her years of hard work for Mr. Stark, where she served his every not-sexual need" said Dr. Samson of Culver University "To imply otherwise is ridiculous, and simply rude! If Stark decided to promote his sensual assistant to this very important position, it is because she's qualified, and not because Stark may want to bang her! I mean, it's not like Tony thinks with his dick and makes impulsive business decisions that threaten to crush his company!"

All this editor has to say is that if Miss Potts managed to beat other, seemingly more qualified, Stark Industries executives for this prestigious position, without using sexual favors (which she obviously didn't), then good luck for her.

**TONY STARK REPLACES DRIVER IN THE MONACO GRAND PRIX**

Tony Stark's presence at the Monaco Grand Prix started normal, with him arriving with Ms. Virginia Potts, his former assistant and current CEO, Harold Hogan, his personal driver, and Miss Natalie Notaspy Rushman, his new assistant (showing that being hot and having red hair are requirements to be Stark's P.A.). Stark was then seen humiliating Justin Hammer in front of reporter Christine Everhart who, according to the fan website "Girls that Tony Humped", is Girl #74,325 with a grade of B+.

But Stark surprised everyone when he decided to replace Defilipo, Stark Industries' driver, out of a whim (which is strange because he seemed to already have a pilot suit ready, like he was planning this in advance).

Of course, we shouldn't expect any less of Tony Stark, may this amusing antic be another proof of how endearingly irresponsible he is. Nobody is more qualified to pilot a walking WMD than him, right?

**UPDATE: TONY STARK ATTACKED AT MONACO, NOBODY IMPORTANT DIES**

Panic ensued as a strange man walked into the Monaco Grand Prix welding two electric whips, which he used to cut racecar number six in half. We can only wonder what passed through Italian driver Rissone's head before his neck bent in a way it shouldn't.

But Rissone didn't matter, what the man (later identified as Ivan Vanko) really was looking for was racecar number 11, the Stark Industries car, that just happened to be driven by Tony Stark himself.

Vanko repeated the attack he used on car number six on Stark's car. Even though his car did a somersault, Stark survived with minor scratches.

Meanwhile, the race continued and car number 21 sees Vanko and brakes successfully. Unfortunately, cars 15 and 40 didn't have the same luck and crashed into 21 engulfing American pilot Locke in a gigantic ball of flames, filling the air with the smell of his burning flesh.

Lefevre, the French pilot who was driving car 40 for Roxxon, was thrown out of his car at incredible speed and landed on the hard asphalt with his bones piercing out of his skin like some grotesque piece of modern art.

But the tragic fates of these pilots are completely meaningless, as everything anyone cares about is Tony Stark.

Vanko tried to kill Stark by whipping his car in half once more, but was surprised as Stark wasn't there. Stark counter-attacked by hitting Vanko with a piece of car six that probably still have some pieces Rissone's brain in it.

The battle seemed over for Stark, but Hogan and Potts came to the rescue by hitting Vanko with Stark's personal car #102. But Vanko wasn't dead yet. Even though Hogan rammed him with the car three times, Vanko kept fighting back, implying that he, just like Stark, is actually a robot.

But Tony Stark quickly gained the advantage by turning into Iron Man Lite – Suitcase Edition (Collect Them All!), and (relatively) easily defeated Vanko. Vanko was then taken into French police custody, while shouting that Stark had lose, proving that the battle caused him serious brain damage.

Despite Stark proving again that he's unbelievably awesome, Sen. Stern saw it differently: "That bum was using a mini-ARK reactor, just like Stark's. Stark said that nobody was close that technology, but look at the Russian bum! It doesn't matter if he's a genius who's related to someone who had close ties to Howard Stark during the development of the original ARK reactor. He's a bum! And this proves that, differently Stark assumed, any idiot can come up with that technology. Except the US Army, apparently."

Tony Stark's answer: "you should give me a medal".

* * *

**Author's Notes: You have no idea how many times I watched the Monaco scene to get all the facts right! (it was five times)**

**Here's the information that I gathered:  
**

**The pole position:  
**

**1) King – Australia –28**

**2) Chapman – UK –5**

**3) Locke – USA –21 – third to crash**

**4) Rissone – Italy –6 – first to crash  
**

**5) Defilipo – USA – Stark –11 – second to crash  
**

**6) Gravois – Italy –1**

**7) Broussard – France –20**

**8) Dardari – Poland – number unknown  
**

**9) Lambert – Germany – number unknown  
**

**10) Lefevre – France –40 – (Roxxon) fourth to crash**

**Car number 15 – fifth to crash (not on the top 10)**

**And the thing abou the Guarana is true, you know. I don't know what the hel was that yellow thingy but it wasn't guarana.  
**


	7. Chapter 7

**FRENCH PRISON BLOWS**

A huge explosion destroyed part of the west wing of a Monaco detention facility, causing the deaths of a guard and a prisoner, Ivan Vanko, the "Whip-guy".

Despite other prisoners claiming to have witnessed Ivan Vanko walking the halls and killing the security guard before the explosion on his cell, security guards Jacques LeCorrupt and Louis Bribedier are adamant that nobody escaped.

"Who you're gonna believe? We, completely honest, law-abiding guards, or this criminal scum?" asked LeCorrupt "All this talk is nonsense. How did he get out of his cell, smartass? Do you think we gave him the key, huh, do you?"

"Yeah, and then we did what?" said Bribedier "flied him to America and delivered him to Justin Hammer after he bribed us? Ridiculous!"

"Yeah, you're stretching it!" said LeCorrupt "We were missing the last 12 hours because it was our day off, not because we had to take a plane to free our prisoner. Nonetheless, Vanko is dead! There's a body on his cell, which is obviously his!"

Apparently, though, Bribedier and LeCorrupt checked out of the prison with an unidentified prisoner. Prison warden David Laderpy Doofusso declared that Bribedier and LeCorrupt said that the prisoner was in labor, and they were escorting him to the hospital. When asked if he didn't thought strange that a male prisoner was pregnant, Doofusso answered: "Nope, we're in Europe." We then asked why he didn't asked why the prisoner had a bag over his head. Doofusso replied "I don't like to meddle in people's personal matters. I didn't ask why you're not wearing any pants, did I?" As a matter of fact, he didn't, and we were grateful for that.

The cause of the explosion is still unknown, but is believed to be excess of gas caused by prison food.

**TONY STARK'S BIRTHDAY PARTY BLOWS**

Yesterday, May 29th, Tony Stark completed 40 years, and had a party for all his friends and brownnosers.

Things were going great with a drunken, suited-up Stark providing great entertainment by endangering the lives of everybody, but then square party-poopers and so-called "friends" of Stark, Pepper Potts and James Rhodes, decided to ruin all the fun by being "responsible".

Fortunately, Stark was having nothing of it, and continued to party like he was dying and absolutely needed to enjoy his last days alive. While Potts kept being a boring square, Rhodey decided to have fun too, and dressed in another Iron Man suit to "fight" Stark in an amusing pretend fight game.

Being a billionaire must be awesome, considering that neither Rhodey nor Stark cared if they were destroying the entire mansion knowing that they could rebuild easily with all his money. All they cared about was giving a great show for the guests! What great host!

This reporter was a little drunk, so he took a while to realize that all the guests were running away from the fight! At first, he didn't understand why they wanted to miss the entire fight, but followed them anyway.

Soon after, he discovered the reason why the guests went out: to better appreciate the fireworks show that Stark prepared to end his party with a big bang! A bang so big, it destroyed the front of his house!

Stark sure knows how to throw a party.

**CORRECTION: The word "bird" was misspelled "burd" at least four times in yesterday's "Pet Guide" article "How to Take Care of Your Cockatoo" **

**STARK'S "IRON MAN ARMOR – MARK II" DELIVERED TO MILITARY**

The American government finally got what it wanted when Colonel James Rhodes delivered the Mk II armor to the military, and he only needed to destroy his life-long friendship with Tony Stark to do it.

The Secret Council of Incredibly Intelligent Ideas decided that the armor they just acquired and know nothing about should be heavily armed and thrown into the middle of a bunch of civilians immediately.

Justin Hammer of Hammer Industries was then called to prepare the armor for presentation at the Stark Expo 2010. Hammer assured the military that the armor will not only be equipped with the best weapons in the market, but will also have its software upgraded to match the quality that Hammer Industries is known for.

"Shit" said the military.

**A RED-HAIRED GIRL IN A CATSUIT, A CYCLOPS IN A LONGCOAT, AND A BILLIONAIRE IN A METAL SUIT ENTER A DONUT SHOP… Read more Pg. 17**

**CULVER UNIVERSITY STUDENTS COMPLAIN ABOUT CREEPY GUY CREEPING AROUND**

Culver University campus security received dozens of worried calls about some creepy guy wandering around the campus last week.

Descriptions of the suspect vary: He was described as a "Neo-Nazi", "Psycho Altar Boy", "Boy Scout Troop Captain", "Underground Group Leader with Multiple Personality Disorder", and "Barney the Dinosaur Wannabe".

Reports also say that the stranger was seen stalking Dr. Elizabeth Ross.

We will inform you as soon as Dr. Ross is murdered.

**TONY STARK IN HOME ARREST**

After the disastrous events of last night, billionaire Tony Stark was put into home arrest by super duper secret agency S.H.I.E.L.D. (**S**trategic **H**omeland **I**ndigo **E**lephant **L**adder **D**iamond).

All the events of the last days point to one disturbing conclusion: Stark has lost his mind and is Stark Raving Mad (snicker).

We can only hope the now mentally disturbed playboy will be held under close watch by the greatest spy agency on Earth.

This editor is sure that not even an ant could escape that perimeter.

**TONY STARK ESCAPES HOME ARREST**

Despite being under surveillance of the most badass security agency of the entire world, Tony Stark still managed to escape. Because he's Tony Motherf&$#ing Stark!

The first (and only) thing that Stark did was going back to his former office, now owned by his former P. A. Virginia Potts, but not before stopping to buy strawberries. And then his nefarious machinations became frighteningly clear: He was planning to kill Ms. Potts by using her well-known allergies and reclaim his position in the company.

We tried to warn the cops by dialing 911 and saying that Stark had strawberries and wasn't afraid to use it, but, for some reason, they ignored us. Fortunately, we saw that Ms. Potts left the building with no traces of being harmed by Stark's insanity.

After having his diabolical plot foiled, Stark returned home with a model of the Stark Expo that he probably stole out of spite.

When questioned about how Stark was able to trick him and escape, S.H.I.E.L.D. Agent Phillip Coulson said that he was busy investigating the possibility of wormholes opening on the skies of New Mexico, single-handedly discovering and thwarting a terrorist conspiracy based on the neighborhood bakery, and picking up his laundry.

* * *

**Author's Notes: I need to ask a question to you, guys. Do you think I should write the last chapter arround "Item 47"(The short on the Avengers Blu-Ray)? Or do you think I should end with the Avengers plot and let "Item 47" for another time?  
**

**The thing is that I believe that it's better if the story ends after the Battle of NY, and dragging it to the events of "Item 47" (which happens a couple of months after The Avengers) is too anticlimatic and not a good way to end it. But the completist part of me really don't wanna left it out (it's still part of the chronology after all).  
**

**So, yeah, I'm not sure what I gonna do. Thoughts?  
**


	8. Chapter 8

**Author's Notes: I want to know if anybody from Europe or France was offended by my last chapter. If so, I'm really sorry, that wasn't my intention. If I write anything that may offend your nationality, religion, gender, sexuality, culture and/or ideology, let me know and I will try to be more sensitive.**

**But, please, keep in mind that this is a satirical piece and in no way does it reflect my personal opinions about those subjects. **

**If I didn't offend anyone, great! Let's keep being silly, then.**

**Now let's go forward with the chapter.**

* * *

**BLACKOUT AT MALIBU**

Malibu has suffered a massive blackout today, when all power was drained by Tony Stark's mansion, proving that the insane inventor is up to no good.

Rumor has it that Stark is trying to create the perfect woman by hooking up a doll to the government mainframe and tying up a bra on his head.

**HAMMER INDUSTRIES TO PRESENT THEIR NEW LINE OF WEAPONS DEFENSE AT STARK EXPO 2010**

Hammer Industries surprised everyone this evening when their presentation at Stark Expo 2010 didn't suck. It was almost like someone else was involved!

Still pretending to be the idiot that everyone thought he was until now, Hammer presented his awesome "Hammer-Drones" for the Army, Navy, Air Force, and the Marines, to represent the most badass that the military has to offer.

Meanwhile, the Coast Guard pouts in the corner.

But that was not all! Hammer also introduced to the unanticipating world the Variable Something or Other McAwesome Response Suit, a more badass version of the Iron Man suit (the reason why it's more badass is that it carries BFGs and is painted in dull colors, making it "Dark & Edgy"), piloted by Colonel James Rhodes, who is proud to be serving his country and sweating his butt off on the same suit that contained his buddy Tony Stark's butt sweats before (no homo).

Now that Justin Hammer, who no longer sucks, has created a mechanic unit force to be reckoned with, peace and order are assured for everyone on the expo.

**UPDATE #1: CHAOS AT STARK EXPO 2010, HAMMER STILL SUCKS**

Something went very wrong at Stark Expo's Hammer presentation, when Iron "Tony "Josef Mengele" Stark" Man invaded the pavilion, hogging all the attention to himself, in which is, obviously, another one of his ingenious plans for world domination.

We're not sure if it was Stark who hacked the Hammer computers, or if his presence somehow caused a glitch on Hammer's shitty software, but Hammers "Hammer-Droids" and Col. James Rhodes started to engage Stark with everything they had.

Soon, all the mechanical menaces were flying around the expo blowing everything on their path, not caring about the civilians they may put in harm's way. All they could think about was to crush, kill, destroy, and swag!

Even though we don't have all the info, we're pretty sure that this is all Stark's fault!

Except for that part that is Hammer's fault! Because he sucks! And he's incompetent! And his software sucks! And so does his firewalls! And he sucks too! It's all his fault!

Col. Rhodes sucks too! He keeps shooting at people! I bet he was behind this too! It's his fault! Is everybody's fault, because everybody sucks! You suck too! And so does that greedy, fat bastard whom I work for! I may die here! I'm not paid enough for this shit! Where's my raise, your motherfu

(We're sorry to say that we were unable to complete this article due to internal problems).

**UPDATE #2: STARK EXPO BLOWS**

By the time we replaced our man on the field, the Stark Expo battle was already near the end. And it ended in a great, flawless style: in a sequence of huge explosions that carbonized the Expo and the dead bodies of the people killed during the attack. Whether being cremated was on those people's wills or not, they and their families are gonna have to deal with it.

The military was severely disappointed by Hammer's "Hammeroids", as they were torn apart fairly easily by Stark and Rhodes, proving that they weren't of great use for the army. They also said they were very sad about all that people being killed stuff.

Justin Hammer, CEO of Hammer Industries, was arrested for his participation on the attack and charged for the crimes of forging someone else's death, murder, international industrial conspiracy, assisting a known condemned criminal, negligence and responsibility for the death of hundreds of people, manslaughter, industrial fraud, and having orange hands.

The collateral damage inflicted on the Unisphere and other historical Flushing Meadows' touristic attractions are considered irreparable, and that, added to the tragic mass loss of life, will leave a giant scar on New York's history.

But Tony Stark's fine, so everyone's happy.

In other, unimportant, news the main Hammer Industries facility mysteriously blew up. Authorities ponder the possibility of suicide.

**JOURNALISM CRISIS: PRESS RUNS OUT OF INK! R ad ore g. 8**

**SPECIAL: NORSE MYTHOLOGY, THE MANLIEST MYTHOLOGY OF THEM ALL! Today's Chapter: The Rainbow Bridge. See more Pg. 22**

**BURGLARY AT A GAS STATION SHOP STOPPED BY AWESOME GUY WITH A BAG OF FLOUR**

Two armed robbers had their respective asses handed to them by an unarmed badass, yesterday at a Roxxon gas station shop on New Mexico.

According to witnesses' reports, the man went in the shop to buy donuts "like a boss", and that's when the robbers made their move, not noticing the crouching badass behind them, which proved to be the greatest mistake of their lives.

Knowing how easily he could have beaten the two unfortunate criminals, the badass decided to make the fight fair by announcing himself and giving up on his weapon. Of course, such efforts were futile as the two shotguns were unable to conquer the power of the badass' bag of flour.

Yes, he defeated them with a bag of flour.

A.

Bag.

Of.

Flour!

After, displaying his unquestionable superiority, the badass paid for the donuts, the gas, and the bag of flour. He also told the clerk to keep the change.

The clerk said that the man could move faster than the speed of light, and managed to give her multiple orgasms by just looking at her.

One of the robbers stated that the man was seven feet tall, had the strength of a thousand men, and could breathe fire.

The other robber, who had his left foot blown off, said that the man blasted it with his optical laser beams, after hypnotizing him using his powerful psychic abilities.

The police hope to locate the mysterious man so they can safely go the other way.

In other news, a new religious cult called "Children of Coul" started to gain popularity and spread on Tumbler County, South of the Internetz. The cult preaches about the amazing feats of the mythical "Son of Coul".

**UNIVERSITY SECURITY GUARD ACCEPTS BRIBE IN PIZZA Read more Pg. 71**

**DRUGGED HIPPIE CAUSES MAYHEM AT NEW MEXICO HOSPITAL**

A hit-and-run-minus-the-run-part victim was brought to the Puente Antiguo General Hospital last night.

The victim, identified as "Dhur", was brought by local nutjob nerd, Jane Foster, who is also the person who ran over the victim with her car.

Despite that, Ms. Foster and her friends weren't held for questioning, mostly because Puente Antiguo is so shitty it doesn't even have a police force.

Shortly after, Dhur woke up and attacked the hospital staff. Even though all the doctors, nurses, security guards, and janitors tried to hold him down, Dhur just threw them around the room with ease, and only relaxed after one of the doctors injected him with The Mighty Thorazine.

The crew then made sure that Dhur was well restrained and couldn't escape.

Dhur escaped next morning.

Concerning the disappearance of their mysterious patient, the Puente Antiguo General Hospital published an official note saying that they "simply don't give a shit".

"**THE THINGY IN THE MUD HILL" NEW TOURIST TRAP AT PUENTE ANTIGUO**

In another desperate attempt to make their city look less lame, the Secretary of Tourism of Puente Antiguo announced their brand new tourism attraction [trap]: "The Thingy in The Mud Hill".

"The Thingy" was discovered by a citizen called J.M.S. who went for a stroll just outside the town (probably trying to escape the monotonous hell of Puente Antiguo).

"The Thingy" is an object similar to a metal mallet, located in the middle of a mysterious crater in the outskirts of the town.

But what, supposedly, makes this mallet stuck in a pile of mud (and it IS a pile of mud, "Mud Hill" my ass) so interesting? According to the Secretary, it's its mysterious origins and the fact that nobody can lift it. Before we asked if nobody could lift it because the entire town is populated by wimps, the Secretary said that they already tried using trucks to move it to no avail.

"Come see the 'Thingy in The Mud Hill', a modern day 'Sword in The Stone', only here, at Puente Antiguo. Try your luck and see if you can lift it! Maybe you're destined to be a prince in a far away land" the Secretary laughed "'The Thingy in The Mud Hill' the most incredible thing in Puente Antiguo"

The most incredible thing in Puente Antiguo is a hammer shoved in a pile of dirt.

Interpret that as you wish.

**EDUCATION CRISIS IN NEW MEXICO: PUENTE ANTIGUO CITIZENS CAN'T TELL THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A HAMMER AND A SATTELITE Read more Pg. 7**

**FEDERAL AGENCY SETS CAMP AROUND "THINGY"**

Not even a half day has passed since the town of Puente Antiguo discovered the mysterious "Thingy", and decided to take advantage of it, and the U.S. government circled the place preventing the city of taking any profit out of it. HA! Losers!

"The Thingy" was revealed to be really top secret stuff, but some agents talked to the press to clear some doubts and prevent suspicions. Agent S. told us that the camp is being used to study the object [thingy], and discover its purpose and origin. S. also told us that Agent C., his superior, wants us to warn the citizens of Puente Antiguo to no try to break in the perimeter, as the thingy is heavily secured, with Agent B., the best archer they have, taking patrol every six hours.

Wait, an archer? So, instead of using snipers, or anyone who uses weapons made for this century, the feds decided to employ someone who still lives in the middle ages where bows could be considered somewhat useful? Yeah, go back to the hunger games, Katniss. Your skills may win you some medal at the Olympic Games, but this is the real world and you are an idiot if you don't upgrade your weap

(We couldn't continue our coverage, as our man on the field took an arrow to the knee).

* * *

**Author's Notes: I've been writing little bits for the last chapter of this fic in advance, and when I typed "Your Horoscope" the auto-correct said it was wrong, and suggested "You're Horoscope" as the correct usage.**

**Twice.**

**Are you fucking kidding me?**


	9. Chapter 9

**Author's Notes: Imagine, if you will, someone writes the greatest Fic to ever be written! It's full of tension, drama, romance, and hilarity. It receives thousands of great reviews for users saying that he/she should win an award for it, how it changed their lives, etc. Then, after all that praise is registered forever in the site, he/she goes and replaces all the chapters with nothing but fart jokes!  
**

**HE/SHE WOULBE THE BIGGEST ASSHOLE IN THE HISTORY OF FANFICTION!  
**

**#CrapThatPassThroughMyHead  
**

**Don't worry though, I would never do that to you guys, I'm not an asshole, I have shame!  
**

**Lots and Lots of shame.  
**

**I'm also not talented enough to write "the greatest Fic to ever be written".  
**

**So, yeah, chill.  
**

**Also, what you guys think of my new avatar?  
**

**Now, back to our story...  
**

* * *

**FEDERAL AGENCY PLUNDER LOCAL SCIENCE NUT**

Determined to make sure that nobody in Puente Antiguo gets any job done, the U.S. government confiscated all the equipment of resident mad scientist Jane Foster.

Dr. Foster has been studying sky anomalies for the last six months, believing them to be signs of the formation of a "Frankenstein Bridge" which can make you go back in time to fight the Daleks or something.

Dr. Foster's temporary laboratory was located in a bankrupt auto shop, which went bankrupt for the simple reason of being located in Puente Antiguo, where business go to die. Together with Dr. Foster were Prof. Erik Selvig, Dr. Foster's friend, mentor and Father figure, and Darcy Lewis, her assistant who is incredibly unqualified. While there may be many reasons for her employment, we are pretty sure that Dr. Foster is actually a closet lesbian and hired Ms. Lewis for her big, juicy assets.

But now that those evil bureaucrats took away all her work, Jane Foster will never be able to find Wonderland and talk to the Easter Bunny. Oh, No! Science is doomed.

/end sarcasm.

**THE COUNCIL TO SE IF STUFF EXISTS DECLARES THAT HANK PYM EXISTS**

The Council to See If Stuff Exists' President K. Feige has declared, along with other council member, E. Wright, that Hank Pym does in fact exist.

The CSISE was created with the purpose to clear people's doubts about the rumored existence of stuff. The council is formed by President K. Feige, Vice-President J. Whedon, Senior members J. Favreau, L. Leterrier, K. Branagh, and J. Johnston, new members E. Wright, S. Black, and A. Taylor, plus members with pending membership J. & A. Russo, and J. Gunn.

"I had a scientist friend that dealt with S.H.I.E.L.D. before" said Professor Erik Selvig. Despite the vagueness of the statement, the CSISE affirms that Mr. Selvig was indeed talking about Dr. Pym.

E. Wright said that, unfortunately, they can't reveal yet when Dr. Pym will appear in public, how old he is, what he looks like, and what he's been doing all this time, but he exists for sure.

The council said that a certain Ms. Van Dyne may or may not exist, and it's also uncertain if she may in fact be called Ms. Van Dyne or simply Mrs. Pym.

The council also stated that Wakanda exists, but Latveria doesn't.

**HIPPIE/BODYBUILDER/DOCTOR/PHYSICIST/MERCENARY/KURT COBAIN IMPERSONATOR ATTACKS FEDERAL BASE**

The "Thingy" S.H.I.E.L.D. base in New Mexico was invaded last night by Dr. Donald Blake, a Medic/Astrophysicist/Soldier for hire/Bodybuilder/NASCAR driver.

Dr. Blake, a colleague of Jane Foster, was apparently very pissed about S.H.I.E.L.D. taking away their stuff, and, using his training as a Hollywood stuntman, broke into the base, threw the S.H.I.E.L.D. agents around, and tried to steal the "Thingy" to hold hostage for all the other stuff. But, even he, who won 5 Mr. Universe contests, couldn't remove the "Thingy" from its crap pedestal.

Stunned by this man's awesomeness, our crew searched the internet for more information about Donald Blake, and, by luck, found a very-recently created website called "Don Blake Facts", who proved to be a source of information as good and trustworthy as "Chuck Norris Facts", "Jack Bauer Facts", "Phil Coulson Facts", and other websites dedicated to the documentation of the feats of extraordinary men.

According to the site: "Born as Doogie Howser, he graduated at medicine in a fair age, soon got bored of it and joined the military to fight alien predators in the middle of the jungle, where Martians abducted him to fight for their planet in crisis. As a reward he received a dagger full of sand that could turn back in time so he can study Runes and Defense Against the Dark Arts at the same time."

We were able to locate Dr. Blake, who clinics at a private office in New York City, but, even though he said to be acquaintance with Dr. Foster (they apparently dated once), he's lame and doesn't resemble at all the God-incarnated that we read about.

We'll keep you informed about our quest to find the real Dr. Donald Blake, MD, PhD, BAMF.

**SEXY CEO BEGINS RELATIONSHIP WITH FORMER BOSS, NOBODY MINDS**

Virginia Potts, former Personal Assistant of Tony Stark and current CEO of Stark Industries, is now in a relationship with her former boss Tony Stark, non-suspiciously, only weeks after being promoted.

Everyone seems to wish the best for the new-formed couple, and thinks that there's no relation between this and Ms. Potts premature promotion.

Now, you would think that this relationship announcement would indicate previous romantic/sexual tension that may or may not have influenced Mr. Stark on his decision of promoting Ms. Potts. What's wrong with you? How can you be so cynical?

We wish the best for Mr. Stark and Ms. Potts professionally ethical romance.

**CULVER UNIVERSITY BECOMES A WAR ZONE**

A great real life metaphor for the eternal battle between intellect and raw muscle power happened this afternoon at Culver University, when the powerful strength of the army rudely penetrated the Nerd sanctuary of the university, while the eggheads couldn't do anything but watch, their puny precious minds defenseless against the brute military might.

The only way this metaphor could be presented better was if we reduced the scenario to that of a single person's psyche, representing not only the struggle of brain vs. brawn, but also that of id vs. ego, instincts vs. rational thought, the inner monsters that we desperately try to keep in check vs. the so-called civilized human being that we present ourselves as so society can accept us. Of course, such scenario is very personal, subtle, and, therefore, boring.

Even though it looked like the military was simply attacking the university to assert the dominance of ignorance over knowledge, it soon became clear that the military was actually after an honest-to-god hulking, incredibly powerful green monster, which is a thousand times cooler than that sociological crap we were spewing before.

The evidence of the existence of this incredible creature came from two nerds called Jim Wilson and Jack McGee.

Upon hearing about the rumors of the incredible hulk-man, General Thaddeus "Thunderbolt" Ross dismissed it as "bogus nonsense" and that Mr. Wilson and Mr. McGee were hallucinating because they "smoke a lot of weed, like everyone in this God forsaken generation!" Before the General could continue on his rant about how "these neo-liberal hippies are tearing America apart", we presented him with the footage made by Mr. McGee that captured the "hulk-thingy" on film. The General however refuted that "it's just a blur", "could be anything", "it's a puppet", "it's Photoshop", and "the camera smoked weed too".

But Mr. Wilson is completely sure about what he saw: "It was so big! It was like this huge, like, Hulk!"

Based on that, the press decided to dub the hulking creature "Godzilla-Man".

Upon hearing of the destruction of the campus by a giant green monster, the dean declared: "Oh, fuck! Not again!"

**TONY STARK SPOTTED ENTERING SUSPICIOUS WAREHOUSE WITH SUSPICIOUS AGENTS**

Tony Stark was seen entering a shadowy warehouse this morning accompanied by similarly-shadowy agents.

This editor believes that either Stark is being questioned about his plans of world domination, or he is indeed a robot that needs to be brought back to his timeline.

**RESEARCH ABOUT ADOPTION REVEALS SURPRISING RESULTS**

Common knowledge dictates that people who discover too late that they are adopted have no choice but become genocidal maniacs, but a scientific research proved that, surprisingly, that ain't so.

The research points that people who have their true lineage revealed to them will either build a grudge against their foster parents, start a search for their true roots and try to find their real parents, or ignore their past and fully accept their forest parents and their real parents. The genocidal option was basically inexistent, implying that that may be more of a freak occurrence rather than the rule of thumb.

Apparently, the drive to murder people and assert your superiority on a whim has more to do with being fucked up in the head, than "bad parenting". Bad parenting here meaning "not telling me I was adopted despite raising me with love, care, and life quality that most children can only dream about, you evil monster!"

Will this be the end of the common idea that it's okay to indulge in a holocaust if you're adopted? Many point that the reason why Adolf Hitler's acts are inexcusable, despite having a tragic story of his own: abusing father, having his dreams as an artist crushed, and see his beloved Germany fall, was because he wasn't adopted.

Hitler also wasn't cute.

But now that being adopted is no longer a good excuse, will every mass murderer be equalized to Hitler? We sure hope not. Especially the cute ones.

A researcher didn't found the result surprising at all. "There are many people who have gone through worse experiences and lots of them have come out just fine. You're the only one responsible for your actions and decisions, there's nobody pushing you into it, it's not the world's fault, it's very childish to think like that, and very naïve to think that that is an acceptable excuse to do those kind of things. Facing your problems, and deciding if you'll let them destroy you, if you'll overcome them, or if you'll become just as bad is up to you and nobody else!"

Adepts to the "They Just Need a Hug" theory refute that there's nothing, absolutely nothing, worse than being adopted, and that's a justifiable excuse to do anything.

**SCIENTIST RUNS AWAY WITH FUGITIVE EX-BOYFRIEND, CURRENT BOYFRIEND TOTALLY COOL WITH THAT**

Dr. Elizabeth Ross, cellular biologist of Culver University, and daughter of General Thaddeus Ross, ran away with Dr. Bruce Banner, former boyfriend and Culver's Gamma radiation specialist, and current federal fugitive.

Leonard Samson, Elizabeth Ross' current boyfriend, is totally cool with that.

"I'm a psychologist, I understand. I know their history, and everything that happened to Bruce ever since they parted ways. It made me teary eyed" said Samson "Everyone can see that they were meant to be together, I just couldn't stand to become a barrier between their true love story"

Samson also asked us to publish "See, ladies, I'm a very sensible and understanding man, who's willing to put the desires of my significant other over my own. I'm also single."

Acquaintances of Dr. Samson also affirm that he's very happy for no longer having "that massive asshole" as father-in-law.

**LARPers VISIT SMALL NEW MEXICO CITY**

A foursome of LARPers was seen wandering the streets of Puente Antiguo, New Mexico, even though no LARP event being held there. They probably took a wrong turn in Albuquerque.

The three boy geeks and the one geek chick were dressed like Lord of The Rings characters. Probably. I wouldn't know. I don't read that nerd stuff for pathetic virgins. I have a life.

Still, those four freaks are the most interesting thing that happened in the entire history of Puente Antiguo, and we doubt that's gonna change any time soon.

Yep.

Any time soon.

* * *

**Author's Notes: Heh, Daleks. That's the only Doctor Who reference I can make without looking like a complete moron, since, you know, I've never watched it.**

**So, there's only one more chapter to go before we reach the events of The Avengers! Are you excited?  
**

**You know what I'm excited for? ANT-MAN! I don't even know if it's gonna be part of Phase 2 or Phase 3, but I can't wait.  
**

**Some of you may have heard that Hank Pym is a wife-beater... He's not! He only did it once, while pressured and BRAINWASHED! He atoned for that a long time ago, while Reed Richards bitch-slapped Sue a dozen times and nobody cared.  
**

**In the Ultimates Universe, yes, he is a wife-beater. But everybody is a gigantic asshole in the Ultimates. Except for Peter Parker, and he's dead.  
**

**By the way, does anybody even read these notes? I starting to doubt it.  
**

**P.S.: Iron Man 3 trailer will hit the web 10 days from now (10/23)! w00t!  
**


	10. Chapter 10

**Author's Notes: I already explained to Marlicat in a PM, but I thought I might as well explain the MARVELS Graphic Novel (that I mentioned on my AN on the first chapter) here to whoever is interested.**

**MARVELS tell the story of Phil Sheldon, an ordinary photographer who witnessed the Dawn of the Superhero Age on the Marvel Universe, during WWII until the 70's. It really does a great work in showing how superheroes would be seen in the eyes of the common man and the art is stunning!**

**I strongly recommend everyone to check it out, it's a comics masterpiece!**

**Also,**

**ANT-MAN, COMING TO A THEATER NEAR YOU 2015!**

**And**

**COULSON LIVES!**

* * *

**NATION WIDE MANHUNT FOR BRUCE BANNER**

Dr. Robert Bruce Banner was already wanted for gazillions of crimes, but now, he added kidnapping to the list.

"My daughter was kidnapped" said General Thaddeus Ross, father of Elizabeth Ross "The papers say that she ran away with him, but she was unconscious when the Hul… ahem… Banner took her away. As far as we know, she was taken and is unable to make contact with us!"

Ross also said that, if Elizabeth makes contact, he will track "the shit" out of it.

Banner's Internet alias "Mr. Green" was added to the S.H.I.E.L.D. database for faster tracking.

General Ross swears that, after he put his hands on him, Banner will be unrecognizable, but so unrecognizable, that he might as well be another person.

**PUENTE ANTIGUO ATTACKED BY DECEPTICON, LOCAL 7-11 DESTROYED**

Something exciting finally happened at Puente Antiguo, where a giant Megazord started to lay waste to the small city, Michael Bay style!

But, despite all the brainless entertainment it provided, tragedy struck where an innocent and defenseless 7-11 store was caught in the middle of the action.

Now, the poor citizens of Puente Antiguo will never be able to enjoy their special offer for the month of May, in which, with each purchase of two slices of pizza, you can get a Hotdog and a Slurpee for only a quarter more. Limited offer expires June. Offer void in Oregon.

_This news article was brought to you by 7-11._

**UPDATE: PUENTE ANTIGUO SAVED**

Everything seemed lost for the distraught and 7-11less citizens of Puente Antiguo, as Mecha-Godzilla burned the city down. While the Nerd Squad helped evacuate the city, the Hobbits bravely, and stupidly, confronted the beast to no avail.

And then, a surprising event occurred in the form of a plaid shirt wearing hillbilly who walked up to the Terminator, and said that his momma was fat or something, which caused the ire of the Metal Gear who bitch slapped him away. But, as all hope seemed to vanish, it was Morphing Time! Soon the redneck rose from the dead like a steroid filled, blonde Jesus, and summoned storms which destroyed the robotic demon, obviously created by Tony Stark in yet another attempt to enslave the human race.

According to some people the mysterious, mighty man was actually a Norse God. The Norse Mythology, for those who don't know, is a trippy New Age religion consisting of a pantheon of Gods who live in Mount Olympus which is connected to Earth via "Bite-Frost", the Rainbow Bridge. One of the most powerful Gods is Thor, the God of Thursdays, who wields the mighty hammer "Bjorn" and is married to Sif, the Goddess of Syphilis.

As you can see, that psychedelic crap is just another impossible fairy tale, like Unicorns, Leprechauns, and Black Holes.

However, Puente Antiguo is already taking advantage of the situation for tourism purposes, starting the production of thousands of T-Shirts saying "First Roswell, Now Puente Antiguo. Alien Bitches Love New Mexico!"

"Now, that Puente Antiguo became the location of the first documented contact with extraterrestrial beings, our [inexistent] popularity will skyrocket" said the Secretary of Tourism "But, that's not all! Now that our city became a bridge between worlds, it just adds even more meaning to the name of our city"

Puente Antiguo, for those who don't know, is Spanish for "whale's vagina".

**TONY STARK AND JAMES RHODES TO RECEIVE MEDALS, DID SHOW UP Read more Pg. 37**

**MILITARY SURROUNDS NEW YORK UNIVERSITY LAB**

The military has invaded Grayburn College's Department of Cell Biology, this evening, to arrest federal fugitive Dr. Bruce Banner who was "paying a visit" to fellow scientist Dr. Samuel Sterns.

The motives of Dr. Banner's visit are still unclear, and Samuel Sterns is being held in the lab for questioning by Major Kathleen Sparr. Captain Emil Blonsky followed her to help.

We were able to sneak past General Thaddeus Ross to talk with a heavily drugged Bruce Banner. After drooling for a little bit, Banner managed to gain enough focus to give us the following, babbling statement:

"They want to study it! Can you believe it? That's all the army does, always studying stuff! Can't they see that we should always destroy what we fear, without second thoughts? That's what I've been trying to do for the last five years! And I know it's the only sensible thing to do, because I'm a scientist! A very smart and reasonable one! Sterns think that we could harvest some good out of it, that the advantages far outweigh the disadvantages, that we could, potentially, end all the diseases. The fool! Marie Curie thought the same thing, and what happened to her? She died! For radiation! She should have realized how deadly it was, and destroy all her notes, sparing the world from its horrors, but noooo. She thought that radiation could advance civilization and help save lives. Well, yeah, X-Rays helps diagnose many, possibly lethal, injuries, but did it save hers, NO! She should think about herself instead of the rest of the world, like me and all the other scientists do. That's the principle of Science: to hide all dangerous discoveries from the rest of humanity, without even trying to understand it. WHY NOBODY LISTENS TO ME? I'M A RATIONAL SCIENTIST!" and then he doze off.

General Ross assured us that now that Banner is safely restrained, there will be no more monster attacks.

When our men asked what the monster sightings have to do with Dr. Banner, General Ross arrested them for Treason.

**ANOTHER MONSTER DESTROYS ANOTHER UNIVERSITY**

Another monster emerged from hell to vanquish another center of education this evening at New York City. Fortunately, the army was, coincidentally, there to arrest Bruce Banner, and dashed to help. Unfortunately, they couldn't do shit.

While it was first believed to be Godzilla-Man, the monster showed many different characteristics such as exposed bones, yellow-vomit coloration, and the glaring absence of ears, genitals.

Many now wonder if Godzilla-Man shares the lack of sexual organs with this monster, since he was never seem without pants.

This event summed with the two attacks to Culver University suggest a pattern in which all the monsters seem to have a fundamental hatred for higher learning, and are driven to come out of their mythical hideouts and destroy these type of facilities.

This editor say we should get together and burn down every single college in the United States to prevent this from ever happening again.

**HULK BATTLES DICKLESS MONSTER, BOTH DESTROY HARLEM**

The Hulk monster, formerly known as Godzilla-Man, but can't be called that anymore because Toho Co. was threatening to sue, crawled from the depths of the realm of Subterranea to ferociously battle The Amazing Living Diarrhea.

The battle lasted 10 breathtaking minutes, and finally ended with Hulk victorious over the Human Phlegm, and then he fled. Many people also died during the confrontation, and a considerable amount of property was damaged, to say the least.

General Ross didn't care much "It's just Harlem, after all" but the Mayor of New York City is worried that thanks to this event summed to the Hammeroid massacre in Flushing Meadows earlier this week, New York may be facing a moral, touristic, and economic crisis like no other "If anything of this magnitude happens again to, let's say, Manhattan, we're royally fucked!"

Fortunately, the historical Apollo Theatre was spared. The Apollo Theatre's basement was the location of Howard Stark's Top Secret Harlem Project, which attempted again to recreate the Super Soldier Serum. Even though the project failed to produce Super-Soldiers, it did create the Globetrotters.

**HULK VISITS CANADA Read more Pg. 8**

**TONY STARK PISSES OFF U.S. ARMY GENERAL**

Some commotion happened yesterday in a local Bar.

Genius, Billionaire, Superhero Tony Stark was seen talking with Dumbass, Loser, General Thaddeus Ross about recruiting "The Abort Nation" for "The Arrangers Initiative", whatever the hell that means.

Apparently, Stark was so charming that General Ross demanded him to be kicked out of the establishment, saying that "[Stark] can forget about [Ross] releasing Blonsky".

Stark then bought the place for 1.999,90 and kicked out Ross instead.

Demolition is scheduled for next Tuesday.

**MARK ZUCKERBERG ELECTED MAN OF THE YEAR BY TIME MAGAZINE Read more Pg. 5**

**TONY STARK VISITS TIME MAGAZINE Read more Pg. 6**

**IRON MAN ELECTED MAN OF THE YEAR SECOND-TIME-IN-A-ROW BY TIME MAGAZINE Read more Pg. 7**

**FRICKIN' HUGE AIRCRAFT FOUND ON THE ARCTIC**

While doing whatever the fuck they do in the Arctic, researchers, or penguin hunters, we don't know, came upon an amazing discovery: a huge ass aircraft stuck on ice.

Not knowing what it is, or its origins, federal agents were called from Washington to investigate. We hope they're careful though, as, odds are, this is an alien flying saucer, and could contain some "thing" that can take the form of anyone and bring death to everything in its path, you know, like in that Wes Craven movie with Kurt Russel and Mary Elizabeth Winstead based on the Stephen King novel about the shape shifting clown.

**OH MY GOD! WE FINALLY FOUND OUT WHAT HAPPENED IN BUDAPEST!**

Some of our readers may remember that something happened in Budapest, about six years ago, but we couldn't report it. Well, now some of the classified files were released for the public, and so, using our patented **S**herlock** H**olmes** I**nvestigation** T**echnique to fill in the blanks, we can reveal the most amazing story anyone have ever heard! It all started in Philadelphia, where a guy dressed like Kermit the Frog… **Continues Pg. 6**

**VERY HANDSOME MAN RUNS BAREFOOT IN TIMES SQUARE Read more Pg. 7, Pictures centerfold.**

* * *

**Author's Notes: So, this was the last chapter before the avengers, I'm planning great things for the last chapters, but it may take a while. I'm also happy that I'll no longer have to type "Puente Antiguo", because I'm tired of seeing that red underline saying that "Antiguo" is wrong. And it is! It should have been "Antigua" because "Puente" is a female noun, so the adjective has to be female as well. But the movie said the name of the city is "Antiguo", so I have to go with that.**

**I'M WORKING AGAINST THE CLOCK HERE!**

**There are two jokes that I prepared related to Coulson's death and War Machine's whereabouts, but now that Coulson will appear in the S.H.I.E.L.D. series and War Machine's whereabouts will be explained in an Iron Man 3 comic tie-in, those jokes may be outdated and misinformed quicker than I expected (But, then again, we don't know if S.H.I.E.L.D. is gonna be a prequel or Coulson will only appear in flashbacks, and the canon status of tie-ins can always be debated).**

**However, I was already planning to release a "Reloaded" version of this fic when Avengers 2 comes around, updating some info about things that happened during Phase 1 that are only revealed in Phase 2, tweaking some news, removing, adding, inserting new jokes, correcting typos, etc.**

**I won't edit or delete this fic though. I will just post it as another fic. So, people can check the "Original" before or after reading the "Remake/Remastered version".**


	11. Chapter 11

**Author's Notes: Some of my "older" readers may or may not have noticed that when this fic was just a few chapters old, it didn't have any featured characters selected, because this fic focus on none of them exclusively, so I thought I shouldn't put any character up.**

**But then, I realized that there are people, like me, who just searches for fics with his favorite characters, or any character that they may be feeling like reading about at the moment, and in that case my fic will never show up for a lot of people. So, I had to select some character (preferably two) so the odds of my fic being read would rise substantially, but who should I choose?**

**Well, why not the two characters that forms the most popular slash pairing in the fandom?**

**Why, yes.**

**I'm an Evil Genius.**

* * *

**ARCHERY IN CRISIS: ONLY THREE POPULAR SUMMER MOVIES FEATURING ARCHERS COULD SAVE THE SPORT Read more Pg. 2**

**MAN (DOESN'T) SEES UFO**

An old fisherman claimed to have noticed some weird pixilated formations in the shape of a "huge transparent flying aircraft carrier" in the skies above the ocean.

The man was quickly sedated and sent to a mental asylum.

**STARK TO LAUNCH STARK TOWER IN NYC**

Since his Expo was a catastrophic failure, and his weapons division being permanently closed down, Tony Stark needed to find a new font of revenue fast, or he will certainly lose all his money. So, Stark decided to pursue the field of reliable clean energy, even though he spent the last few months trying to convince the congress that his tech shouldn't be released to the public for fear of being used for "the evulz". But, now Stark seemed to realize that there's something more important than his ideals and moral integrity i.e. money.

Stark will launch his endeavor in the form of the Stark Tower, a completely self sustainable building, to be constructed in New York City, making people wonder if Stark will give up on his "Dreams of Californication" (Heh, fornication) and move permanently to the East Coast.

Stark affirms that the Stark Tower is just the first step, and more buildings will have their own ARK Reactor in the following years, testing the ground for renewable energy that will benefit the whole human race. Yeah, right. We're into you, Stark.

It may benefit the human race, but will benefit **you** even more! Considering that you're the only one who knows how to synthesize the element that makes the ARK Reactor work efficiently, automatically guaranteeing you the monopoly of the service. And since free, clean energy is so important in our economically challenged, environmentally conscientious world of today, the demand will be unprecedented. Soon, every house and building will have their own ARK Reactor, effectively closing down every power plant in the United States as they're no longer needed, causing millions of unemployment cases as power plant workers will have their occupation become absolutely obsolete since the ARK Reactor doesn't need much maintenance or personnel.

Eventually, Stark Industries will have the monopoly of energy in the entire world, making it the most powerful corporation in the history of mankind. Probably, even more powerful than most governments, dooming the world to a dystopian, corporate owned future taken out of a George Orwell novel or a Resident Evil game.

Rumor has it, that Stark's next step will be trying to privatize Oxygen.

The inauguration of the Stark Tower, and the beginning of the downfall of human civilization, is scheduled for next year's summer.

"**THE PROTESTER" ELECTED MAN OF THE YEAR BY TIME MAGAZINE Read more Pg. 6**

**AMATEUR WRITER SHOT AFTER ATTEMPTING TO TELL THE SAME LAME JOKE FOR THE THIRD TIME Read more Pg. 7**

**SPECIAL: GAMING NOSTALGIA Today's Chapter: Galaga Read more Pg. 12**

**NASA FACILITY SUCKED IN BLACK HOLE/VAPORIZED BY GOD**

A NASA facility directed to the research of Dark Energy crumbled under a vortex of anti-matter and left a hell mouth in its place.

Some scientists believe that something went "screwy" during the tests on the Dark Energy, which accidentally activated a mini black hole which transported the base through time and space, placing it somewhere around Betelgeuse 200 years ago.

However, members of the 7.845th branch of Christianity "The Holy Spirit of Madison with Elm Street Corner Church" said that this was an act of God against the heresy of science.

"Those pagan scientists always try to meddle in God's affairs, trying to discover things that man should never know. Well, now they went too far and God made an example of them and their sinful ways"

But why should we listen to these religious nuts? I mean, really? This kind of shit always happens because of miscalculations, and there comes the churchy people saying God did it. They really think a God caused that. Like, really, a God? Pfft.

**RUSSIAN ARMS DEALERS FOUND IN RUSSIAN WAREHOUSE IN RUSSIA**

RUSSIA, RUSSIA – Three wanted Russian weapon smugglers were found beaten up in a Russian warehouse in Russia by Russian police officers of Russia.

After receiving an anonymous Russian tip, the Russian officers arrived at the Russian warehouse which was located in Russia, in front of a suspicious Russian billboard.

"There was this billboard which was written in Russian, but the words didn't make any sense as it was nothing but consonants" said the Russian officer of Russia in Russian "That did raise suspicions that something fishy was definitely going on in there"

The Russian smugglers were arrested by the Russian cops after revealing that they received a Russian beatdown by a Russian hot girl spy that is Russian but doesn't work for the Russians of Russia.

The Russian meaning of the Russian billboard remains a Russian mystery.

**AMERICAN GOVERNMENT ABDUCTS ONLY AFFORDABLE DOCTOR IN CALCUTTA JUST TO FUCK WITH THEM Read more Pg. 74**

**STARK TOWER OFFICIALLY OUT OF THE GRID**

The Stark Tower, developed by Tony Stark (88%) and Virginia Potts (12%), was officially cut out of the grid today, supposedly to prove that the Stark Tower is completely self-sustained, but mostly to not pay the electric bill.

Some think that Stark will try to create an anti-gravity field to raise the Tower off the ground, therefore no longer touching American ground, so he won't need to pay Propriety Taxes.

After being cut out off the grid the Stark Tower was lighten up for the first time. The sight was described as "like Christmas, but with more Tony Stark"

Stark cut the wires underwater himself, with no help, supervision, or authorization of any responsible authority, indicating that the whole operation was illegal. It's also possible that Stark may have accidentally cut all the power from the local General Hospital.

**STUTTGART CITIZENS ATTACKED BY HORNY DUDE**

STUTTGART, GERMANY – A high society party was rudely interrupted when an uninvited, unmannered man stabbed the host in the middle of his eye socket.

The man was later seen flipping cars and making clones of himself, to force the people to kneel before Zod, that is, him. According to reports, the man made a speech about the delusion of freedom, the need to be ruled, and how everyone will, eventually, kneel to blow him. One old man, however, didn't like the idea of being used as a boy toy and called the man names. The man didn't like it and tried to torch his ass, but it was deflected by a courageous Rodeo Clown armed with a bullseye who proceeded to attack him.

While the battle was being fought, in the United States, Tony Stark's Narcissism-Sense was tingling, warning him that somewhere in the world people weren't paying attention to him. Since that just cannot be, he quickly suited up, flied to Germany, and confronted the attacker, who immediately surrendered to Iron Man's awesomeness.

Witness reported that the man had two big horns in his forehead, possessed godly powers, and expressed sheer joy and delight whenever he created mayhem. According to those descriptions, the CIA identified the subject as likely being Discord, the God of Chaos. The UN is considering an emergency deployment of six Elements of Harmony.

In other, unrelated, news, many security guards were found arrowed to death and a stock of Iridium was stolen at the German Department of Plot Devices.

**GERMAN FOREST MISTERIOUSLY VANISHES IN A BOOM OF LIGHT Read more Pg. 7**

**THE WORLD LOSES AN AMAZING MAN**

A disturbance in the force was felt all over the world as the universe became 40% less badass. The legendary Son of Coul supposedly died today if the signs and the internal sense of dread and sorrow are to be believed.

The Children of Coul gathered to celebrate the memory of "The Greatest Man They Ever Knew" singing choirs of "You Will Be Avenged", and retelling the prophecy of "Coul's Son" last stand, where he verbally and physically kicks the butt of the God who dared to murder him before giving his last breath.

R.I.P. Son of Coul, a man so awesome, it took a God to kill him.

* * *

**Author's Notes: Hey, guys.**

**Guys, I just realized something.**

**Fandom is just one letter away from being Random.**

**That's all.**

**P.S.: I'm pretty sure that the auto-correct is just fucking with me now. Their corrections make no damn sense!**


	12. Chapter 12

**HOLY SHIT! ALIENS!**

Today is a day that will enter history as New York City was the stage of Earth's first documented contact with alien life forms (The city of Puente Antiguo resents that statement, but we don't really care).

It started with a beam of light shooting through the skies opening a rift in the time-space continuum allowing aliens to come through it. The beam originated from the rooftop of Stark Tower, proving once again that this is all Stark's fault.

Many people have pointed out that New York City has always been target of many disasters, be it man-caused, natural, or supernatural. In fact, shit try to destroy NYC so often that the mayor hall is considering to formally present them as touristic attractions. The reason for this is very simple: Everybody, including aliens and forces of nature, know that New York rules and they are just jealous of our swaggness.

Filled with guilt and regret, Tony Stark tried to commit suicide by jumping from his penthouse window. Unfortunately for him though, his now sentient armor rescued him by suiting him up, taking his body, mind, and soul, stealing whatever was left of Stark's humanity forever. The suit then stopped the fall by repulsing the faces of some bystanders causing horrible third degree burns, and dashed towards the portal to prevent the alien invasion.

However, it's very clear that this invasion is too big for even Iron Man to face alone. It's difficult to tell from this vantage point whether they will consume the captive Earthmen or merely enslave them. One thing is for certain, there's no stopping them; the lizard men will soon be here. And I, for one, welcome our new reptilian overlords. I'd like to remind them that as a trusted newspaper personality, I can be helpful in rounding up others to toil in their underground bug caves.

**UPDATE #1: **Well, this reporter was possibly a little hasty earlier and would like to reaffirm his allegiance to this country and its human president. May not be perfect, but it's still the best government we have. For now.

Iron Man will not face the aliens alone after all as he was joined by four other allies who were not identified yet. For now, we will call them Bow Man, Hammer Man, Flag Man, and Female Man. Together, they form the Super Justice Rangers League of Magic Friendship.

**UPDATE #2: **It was brought to our attention that Flag Man is wearing a suit resembling that of Captain America, the legendary WWII hero. This may indicate that Flag Man is not part of the Super Justice Rangers League of Magic Friendship at all, and is in fact a cosplayer that got lost in the middle of the action.

**UPDATE #3: **Shit just got real! A giant Steelix joined the alien's party, and proceeded to wreak havoc in the city! What the Super Justice Rangers League of Magic Friendship will do now? Steelix has the highest base defense level of both Steel and Ground types at 200 HP, and Steel types have 11 resistances, higher than any other type! But they do have a certain weakness to Ground, Fire, and Fighting attacks, so unless the Super Power Rangers League have Pokémons with these kind of attacks, they're doomed!

**UPDATE #4: **The League of Super Friends chose the Hulk, a Ground/Fighting type. It used Sucker Punch!

It's Super Effective!

Iron Man assisted with Tank Missile!

A Critical Hit!

The Steelix exploded in a thousand pieces!

**UPDATE #5: **While the six members of the Magic Hero Friends of Waverly Place celebrated their victory, the aliens sent other two Steelix at the same time which is obviously an illegal move. The odds have risen significantly as Hammer Man bottlenecked the portal using the Empire State Building as a lightning rod, effectively electrocuting everyone inside.

**UPDATE #6: **Hulk and Hammer Man defeated another floating metal snake, only destroying Grand Central Station in the process.

**UPDATE #7: **Flag Man bravely faced alone a squad of aliens who were about to execute a group of civilians with an alien grenade. Not bad for a cosplayer.

**UPDATE #8:** Stark tries to commit suicide once again by flying inside the mouth of a Steelix, however, his symbiotic suit saved him again by blowing the Steelix internally.

**UPDATE #9: **Iron Man's sentient armor turns evil, and pulls a nuke out of its ass to destroy New York City. However, Stark regains control at the last second, and steers the suit towards the portal, saving everybody, and proving that the human spirit will always triumph over the cold, soulless machines.

R.I.P. Anthony Edward Stark, in the end your suicidal tendencies made you a true hero.

**UPDATE #10: **The battle is over! All the aliens fell dead after being exposed to our terrestrial bacteria, like in the end of "War of The Worlds". I guess we didn't need the help of the Super Hero Squad after all.

Also, Tony Stark didn't die.

Now that everything is over, and the world is changed forever, many questions remain like: "What the fuck just happened?", "How did it happen?", "Who, exactly, are the Super Justice Rangers League of Magic Friendship?", "Where did they come from?", "Are they gay?" etc.

All we can do is wait until tomorrow hopefully answers all this important questions.

* * *

**Author's Notes: The next chapter will probably be the last (not counting the little surprise I have planned).**

**I would like to thank everyone who read, reviewed, and faved this fic.**

**You guys rock!**


	13. Chapter 13

**Author's Notes: Have you guys seen the Iron Man 3 trailer? HOLY SHIT! I CAN'T FUCKING WAIT!**

**Apparently I was correct in the last chapter about Tony's armor turning sentient and evil.**

**Call me Nostradamus, bitches!**

**Also, about the Empire State, Chrysler thing… D'OH!**

**I actually was in doubt over which of them was it, because their pointy roof thingies looks so similar to me. Well, any factual errors, grammar mistakes, and typos can be chalked up to the newspaper's enormous incompetence.**

**MASSIVE COP OUT FOR THE WIN!**

* * *

**NEW YORK BATTLE AFTERMATH**

Is a brand new day in a brand new world, as New York City faces the massive loss of lives, the incalculable property damage, and the haunting sense of insecurity that makes 9/11 look like an April's Fool prank by comparison.

But that's not important. The proven existence of intelligent life in outer space is not important either. You know what's important? Superheroes! Everybody loves superheroes and now we have four of them plus those other two guys! Today we're gonna focus on who are The Avenging League of Extraordinary Buddies and how they came together, and ignore all that depressing tragedy crap.

The Avengers, which is how the group was formally presented, was an initiative created by S.H.I.E.L.D. Director Nicholas Fury to assemble a bunch of freaks to risk their butts in battles that S.H.I.E.L.D. doesn't really want to fight.

The group is formed by Iron Man, Hulk, Captain America, Thor, Black Widow, and Arrow Guy.

It was revealed that this Captain America is, in fact, THE Captain America! When questioned what's the secret to look 25 when you're 92, he answered "being frozen for 70 years". Many beauty parlors immediately started to offer an "Avengers-approved" skin therapy that freezes their costumers for seven decades. Possible side effects include: Cold, paralysis, permanent death, and everyone that you know and love being dead by the time you wake up. On the plus side, everyone you hate will also be dead.

Another member, Thor, who is said to come from "a far away land, home of the bravest warriors, surrounded by mortal danger, and filled with strange mythical creatures that defy explanation [Australia]", said that the reason he joined the group was to retrieve his little rascal brother Loki, the troublemaker responsible for all the chaos in New York.

Thor also said that he wouldn't have done it without his fellow warriors Tony the Stark, Roger Who Is Also Steve, Eye of Hawk, Natasha of the Romans, Bruce He Who Bans, Maria of the Hills, Nick the Furious, and their fallen comrade Phil Son of Coul.

But what made Loki so mad at our world? Some people theorize that Loki was outraged by the fact that we publicly showcase child pornography like the show My Little Pony that shows nothing but young, nude horses every episode. Sexy, nubile, arousing, young, nude horses. It is said that the last time Loki had this kind of sinful temptation it resulted in an eight-legged abomination (the deformation may have been caused by incest).

According to Tony Stark, it took some time for the Avengers to finally trust each other and fight together. They argued an awful lot, and Loki took advantage of that weakness to divide them, which led them to commit mistakes, some of them fatal.

But in the end, the Avengers conquered the power of friendship by learning the true meaning of Christmas, and put a stop to Loki's diabolical plans, showing him that, doesn't matter how much he tries, he will never be nothing but a loser, and he might as well get used to that.

Now, the Avengers have parted ways, but Nick Fury promises that they will get together again to have a barbecue and eat shawarma at Barton's place every other Sunday, and to fight evil.

In other, semi-related, news, everyone is busy celebrating, blaming the Avengers that nobody asks where that nuke came from.

**READER'S OPINION: "SUPERHEROES IN NEW YORK? GIVE ME A BREAK!" by Stanley Lieber Pg. 2**

**READER'S OPINION: "CAPTAIN AMERICA IS SO HOT!" by Beth the Waitress Pg. 2**

**READER'S OPINION: "IRON MAN IS HOTTER!" by Tony Stark Pg. 2**

**READER'S OPINION: "NO! COULSON, NO! YOU WERE THE GREATEST MAN I'VE EVER KNEW!" by Maria Hill Pg. 2**

**READER'S OPINION: "LOKI JUST NEEDS A HUG" by Tom Hiddleston Pg. 2**

**CAPTAIN AMERICA ARRESTED FOR DRIVING A MOTORCYCLE WITHOUT A HELMET Read more Pg. 17**

**TONY STARK AND BRUCE BANNER ARRESTED FOR DOING SCIENCE WHILE DRIVING Read more Pg. 18**

**ALIEN GUN TOTTING COUPLE CRIME SPREE**

Another bank was robbed this week by the infamous Chitauri Robbers, a couple armed with an alien gun like those used during the Manhattan attack a couple months back. People wonder how did the pair got their hands on that technology. Some theorize that they are actually survivor alien invaders who took the disguise of humans. Of course, this is nonsense. I can buy that the Chitauri have flying metal solid snakes, but that they are shape shifters? That's a bit too much for my suspension of disbelief.

**ALIEN BONNIE AND CLYDE ARRESTED IN MOTEL BRAWL**

The Infamous Chitauri Robbers, now identified as Claire Wise and Benjamin Pollack, were arrested at a local motel by S.H.I.E.L.D. agent Jasper Sitwell after an explosive conflict.

Agent Sitwell surprised the couple during their sexy times, who retaliated by firing the alien gun wildly. The gun overheated and exploded, seriously injuring all the money in the room. No one else was hurt.

When asked what they will do with the criminal couple, Agent Sitwell answered "give them a job" which we are certain is a code phrase for execution, just like "cupcakes" is mafia's code word for murder.

* * *

**Author's Notes: Sleipnir is best pony.**

**No, Loki, I will never let you live that down.**

**I don't know if you guys noticed, but there's way more My Little Pony references in this entire fic than any other fictional propriety. That's because Avengers and MLP have become permanently connected in my brain. I honestly can't think of one without thinking of the other. I blame all those My Little Pony/Avengers trailer mash ups I've stumbled upon YouTube. They have a Pony trailer for every MCU film! Except "The Incredible Hulk", apparently. (NOBODY LOVES HULK! HULK POUTY!)**

**So, yeah guys, this was the end…**

**Or Is It?**

**Well, there'll be a BONUS CHAPTER that I will upload TOMORROW! (If nothing unexpected happens, of course)**

**See you there!**

**P.S.: My Little Pony "Clop Fics" are porn (puts on sunglasses) with a plot!**

_**YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHH!**_


	14. BONUS CHAPTER

**JAMES RHODES WISHES HE HAD HELPED TONY IN THE NEW YORK BATTLE, HAD BAD CASE OF DIARRHEA Read more Pg. 3**

**CAPTAIN AMERICA ATTACKS WALMART THINKING THAT BLU-RAY IS SOME KIND OF DOOMSDAY DEVICE Read more Pg. 4**

* * *

**BONUS CHAPTER!**

**Now, my friends, here's a special treat for you: What if I decided to write Headlines for other fandoms outside of the MCU?  
**

**Find out now!  
**

**(This is just for fun. Don't actually expect me to make other headlines fics for this fandoms.)**

* * *

**_Meanwhile at Earth-616..._  
**

**MAGNETO STILL UNAWARE THAT HE'S A WALKING HYPOCRISY**

The mutant terrorist Max Eisenhardt A.K.A. Erik Magnus A.K.A. Erik Lehnsherr A.K.A. Bob A.K.A. Magneto had a meeting with his "Brotherhood" last night. We sent an undercover reporter to tell us what was going on.

"My fellow mutants" Magneto started his speech "The time for us to rise against the Homo Sapiens tyranny is nigh. They may seem innocent at first, but I can assure you Humans are a heartless kind, ready to destroy what they fear. I've experienced the holocaust first hand, and I fear that now there will be another, so we should destroy them before they destroy us! Killing every single one of their kind is the only way to prevent another genocide! They are so arrogant, and think that they are better than us! Well, I said that we can prove to them that our kind, that I so humbly named Homo Superior, is better than them, and that they are scum, that should be wiped out of the planet, so we can preserve the blood purity and superiority of our master race of Aryans… I mean, Mutants."

At the end of the speech, all mutants in the room stretched their right arm up in the air and shouted "Hail Magneto".

**MUTANTS VS MUTATES: LEARN WHO TO HATE**

On this age of Super-Powered freaks that we live in, it may get confusing who we should admire for their incredible feats, and who we should hunt down like the genetic scum they are. Fortunately for you, we made an easy guide that even simpletons who need the media to tell them how to think like you can follow.

Mutates like Captain America and Post-Extremis Iron Man, received mutations by man-made experiments, that makes them awesome heroes that show the human potential hidden inside every one of us.

Mutants, like Wolverine and the X-Men, on the other hand were born that way, and that makes them horrible freaks possessed by Satan that need to be locked up and put down.

So, remember:

Drugs, Viruses and Radiation=Good

Nature=Evil

We hope that cleared your doubts.

**OPINION: DOES BEN GRIMM'S RELATIONSHIP WITH ALICIA MASTERS IMPLY THAT THE ONLY WAY SOMEBODY WOULD LOVE 'THE THING' IS IF THEY WERE FUCKING BLIND? Bad Aesop? Read more Pg. 2**

* * *

**_Meanwhile at Spider-Man 2..._  
**

**WAIT, SINCE WHEN DO WE HAVE AN ELEVATED TRAIN?**

I mean, really? Since when? Why nobody told me that we had an elevated train? I've been living in this city for 35 years and I've never seen an elevated train. And then suddenly Spider-Man and Doctor Octopus are fighting on top of one, like, what the fuck? Where did that fucking train came from?

Anyway, Doc Ock attacked the train, Spidey fought him, Doc destroyed the controls of the train, Spidey saved everyone, yadda yadda yadda, Doc Ock kidnapped Spidey, and that lazy jerk Parker didn't take any pictures.

But, seriously, what the hell? I pass there every day on the way to work, how come I've never seen it?

* * *

_**Meanwhile at Halloweentown...**_

**ZOMBIES PREFER GIRLS WITH BRAINS Read more Pg. 13**

**POPULARITY DOWNFALL: POLL SAYS THAT WEREWOLVES BLOW, ZOMBIES STINK, AND VAMPIRES SUCK Read more Pg. 666**

* * *

**_Meanwhile at The X Files..._  
**

**AGENTS FOX MULDER AND DANA SCULLY HAVE THE WORST TRACK RECORD IN THE HISTORY OF THE FBI: ALMOST ZERO SOLVED CASES, SEVERAL KILLED WITNESSES THEY FAILED TO PROTECT, AND ALL EVIDENCE DESTROYED OR LOST BEFORE FILING. Why do they still have a job? See Editorial Pg. 2**

* * *

**_Meanwhile at The Guardian..._  
**

**AMAZINGLY SEXY CRIMINAL "GREEN HORNET" STILL AT LARGE By Brit Reid, Editor-In-Chief**

The city of Los Angeles cowers in fear, as the menacing, awesome, and handsome threat of the Green Hornet still runs the streets.

Witnesses of the Hornet's attacks to enemy factions said that he's a amazing and horrifying powerhouse, who smashes everything and everyone in his way, a force to be reckoned. The witness, however, failed to mention that the Hornet is also very charismatic, elegant, and sophisticated, but he was probably too mesmerized by his incredible good looks.

The police are constantly being outsmarted by the Hornet's unmatched wit and intelligence. But they swear that the Hornet's days are counted, and he will soon be behind bars.

I, frankly, doubt it. How can you capture someone so perfect?

* * *

_**Meanwhile at Crystal Lake...**_

**MORE TEENAGERS SLAUGHTERED AT **** CAMP** CRYSTAL LAKE

Once again, tragedy struck the small community of Crystal Lake when Jason Voorhees resurrected for the 74th time this year, and slashed a few clueless teenagers. Investigation at the crime scene seems to indicate that a great number of the victims were killed during acts of fornication, which may imply that Mr. Voorhees is just a misguided, well-intentioned citizen who's overly concerned with the high rates of teenage pregnancy. When asked if it wouldn't be a good idea to warn all the citizens and block all the roads to Camp Crystal Lake to prevent more tragedies like this, the local deputy answered: "LOL! Nope!"

* * *

**_Meanwhile at Ponyville..._**

**PARASPRITE ATTACK CAUSED IRREPARABLE ECONOMIC DISASTER**

After the horrible Parasprite infestation of Yesterday, Ponyville faces a crisis like no other in its history. The devastation caused by the Parasprites caused many local businesses to close down due to them being completely eaten.

The damages inflicted in the Sweet Apple Acres may take years to be repaired, and if the Apple family doesn't repair it fast, they won't be able to pay the mortgage, and may lose the propriety.

As Ponyville becomes financially infertile, most ponies decided to leave the small village behind in a true exodus, turning Ponyville in a ghost town.

Princess Celestia is sending specialized help to prevent suicide attempts by entrepreneur ponies that lost everything they had.

**PONY WRITER STEPONY MAREYER CITES TWILIGHT SPARKLE AS HER BIGGEST INSPIRATION Read more Pg. 8**

**FLUTTERSHY CONVINCES SNORING DRAGON TO GO POLLUTE SOMEWHERE ELSE, APPLEJACK DIDN'T DO SHIT Read more Pg. 4**

**ANALYSTS WORRIED ABOUT EQUESTRIA'S MALE-TO-FEMALE RATIO**

Analysts have expressed concern over Equestria's unbalanced ratio of one male to every 745 females. They believe that the lack of sexual diversity may cause difficulty to reproduce on a sufficient scale for the survival of the species. If the situation doesn't improve, a reduction of 74% of the pony population is expected by 2020.

Princess Celestia "solved" the problem by sending 50% of all mares to the moon.

**PONYVILLE WELCOMES NEW RESIDENT, REVEREND HOOF Read more Pg. 5**

**REVEREND HOOF ACCUSES ALL UNICORNS OF WITCHCRAFT, HANGINGS SCHEDULED FOR NEXT SUNDAY Read more Pg. 7**

* * *

**_Meanwhile at Paranormal Activity..._  
**

**PARANORMAL INVESTIGATORS DISCOVER NEW ENTITY THAT REALLY HATES CHANDELIERS Read more Pg. 616**

**PARAPSYCHOLOGISTS THEORIZE THAT OPENING DOORS REAL SLOWLY IS HOW GHOSTS MASTURBATE Read more Pg. 7**

**PARANORMAL ENTITY LEAVES FAMILY HOUSE AFTER RECEIVING A VISIT BY PHIL COULSON Read more Pg. 180**

* * *

**_Meanwhile at The Daily Prophet..._  
**

**MINISTER FUDGE: "VOLDEMORT IS NOT BACK, LOL!"**

Minister Cornelius Oswald Fudge is still denying Harry Potter's claims of Lord Voldemort's return. "That's just nonsense!" said Fudge "It's obvious that Mr. Potter is just seeking attention, just like all those times when he saved our asses! Attention whore!"

When asked about the rumored sightings of Voldemort strolling near the Leaky Cauldron, Fudge said that it was just actor Ralph Fiennes doing one of those crazy muggle "movies".

Fudge also said that he will completely abuse his power on the Ministry of Magic until Mr. Potter gives up on spouting his alarmist rubbish.

**WIZARDS CONTEST HOGWARTS' TITLE OF SAFEST PLACE ON MAGIC BRITAIN CONSIDERING THE FACT THAT VOLDEMORT MANAGES TO INVADE IT EVERY SINGLE FREAKIN' YEAR Read more Pg. 5**

**HOGWARTS FORBIDS THE EXPRESSION "ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS?" TO PREVENT BAD PUNS Read more Pg. 14**

* * *

**_Meanwhile at Gotham Times..._  
**

**BRUCE WAYNE ARRESTED FOR EMBEZZLEMENT**

Bruce Wayne, CEO of Wayne Enterprises, was arrested today under the charges of embezzlement. According to the Board of Directors of Wayne Enterprises, Wayne was stealing from the company, using its long-extinct weapons division for money laundering.

"Our accounting personnel came upon some documents that proved that Mr. Wayne has been spending the company funds on things like Kevlar armor, grappling hooks, smoke bombs, hi-tech memory capes, thousands of hyper-durable cowls, and other paramilitary stuff. But those items never made it back to the company or to Mr. Wayne indicating that they are nothing but a façade"

Lucius Fox, former manager of the military weapons division of Wayne Enterprises, is under suspicion of being an accomplice on the sordid scheme. The fact that Mr. Fox was promoted to Chairman of the Board, appointed by Mr. Wayne himself, merely weeks after the first fraudulent "purchases" were made does not bode well for him.

**FUCK YOU, BANE!**

Fuck You, Bane! No, Fuck You! We're tired of this shit! Why can't you fuckers go bother someone else? What the fuck did we do to you and your kind? Why don't you go fuck around Metropolis? You all act so tough "Bwahaha, I'll kill Batman, Nobody can stop me, blah", but I bet if you guys saw Superman you would all wet your pants. You bunch of pussies! You talk about our city being corrupt and beyond salvation. Fuck You! Fuck You! Why don't you blow up L.A., Vegas, Detroit, New Jersey, New York, or whatever? Why us? Fuck You! Go take your sociological crap somewhere else! We're not corrupt! We've been clean for eight fucking years! Ever since that motherfucking Grunge Ronald McDonald came up with that shit about boats having to blow up each other before midnight that he ripped off some fucking Saw movie! In fact, I bet he ripped off his shitty clown makeup from that movie too! That fucking asshole! So, shut your bald, Zoidberg face, you Darth Vader wannabe! We don't want to hear your 99% Occupy Wall Street crap! Shove that bomb up your ass!

Fuck You! Fuck You! Fuck You! Fuck You! Fuck You! Fuck You! Fuck You! Fuck You! Fuck You! Fuck You! Fuck You! Fuck You! Fuck You! Fuck You! Fuck You! Fuck You! Fuck You! Fuck You! Fuck You! Fuck You! Fuck You! Fuck You! Fuck You! Fuck You! Fuck You! Fuck You! Fuck You! Fuck You! Fuck You! Fuck You! Fuck You! Fuck You! Fuck You! Fuck You! Fuck You! Fuck You! Fuck You! Fuck You! Fuck You! Fuck You! Fuck You! Fuck You! Fuck You! Fuck You! Fuck You! Fuck You! Fuck You! Fuck You! Fuck You! Fuck You! Fuck You! Fuck You! Fuck You! Fuck You! Fuck You! Fuck You! Fuck You! Fuck You! Fuck You! Fuck You! Fuck You! Fuck You! Fuck You! Fuck You! Fuck You! Fuck You! Fuck You! Fuck You! Fuck You! Fuck You! Fuck You! Fuck You! Fuck You! Fuck You! Fuck You! Fuck You! Fuck You! Fuck You! Fuck You! Fuck You! Fuck You! Fuck You! Fuck You! Fuck You! Fuck You! Fuck You! Fuck You! Fuck You! Fuck You! Fuck You! Fuck You! Fuck You! Fuck You! Fuck You! Fuck You! Fuck You! Fuck You! Fuck You! Fuck You! Fuck You! Fuck You! Fuck You! Fuck You! Fuck You! Fuck You! Fuck You! Fuck You! Fuck You!

**CRIMINALS REALIZE THEY DON'T NEED TO FEAR THE BATMAN**

It was celebration day for Gotham's underworld when criminals realized that Batman is less dangerous than your average cop.

"Batman doesn't kill, everybody knows that, so why should I be scared of him? Just 'cause he dresses in black?" said a local rapist "I mean, cops may shoot at you, but not Batman. At best he will beat me up and arrest me. So what?"

But, now even the arrest threat is innocuous, as Gotham lawyers realized that Batman's "justice" holds no weight in the court. "Batman is a vigilante taking the law on his own hands, which already makes all his acts illegal by definition, but he also mostly works hidden at night with no witnesses. So, who can say that the "evidences" provided by Batman are reliable? He probably planted all of them. That makes them all circumstantial, and we can release all the "criminals" that Batman arrested on a Habeas Corpus in less than 24 hours"

Gotham PD and Commissioner James Gordon will be under an Internal Affairs investigation concerning their assistance and disclosure of classified case files to a known paramilitary vigilante, and just sitting around waiting for him to solve it instead of doing their jobs.

* * *

**_Meanwhile at The Daily Bugle..._**

**SPIDER-MAN DEFEATS DOCTOR DOOM IN NEFARIOUS PLAN TO TAKE OVER LATVERIA Read more Pg. 2**

**SPIDER-MAN: THREAT OR MENACE? Read more Pg. 3**

**SPIDER-MAN CAUGHT JAYWALKING Read more Pg. 4**

**SPIDER-MAN CAUSED THE ECONOMICAL CRISIS Read more Pg. 5**

**SPIDER-MAN CAN GIVE YOU CANCER Read more Pg. 6**

**SPIDER-MAN IS MAIN CAUSE OF AIDS Read more Pg. 7**

**SPIDER-MAN MAKES BABIES CRY Read more Pg. 8**

**SPIDER-MAN CANCELLED "ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT" Read more Pg. 9**

**SPIDER-MAN RESPONSIBLE FOR THE HOLOCAUST Read more Pg. 10**

"**JACK THE RIPPER" WAS ACTUALLY SPIDER-MAN Read more Pg. 11**

**SPIDER-MAN KILLED JESUS Read more Pg. 12**

**MILLIONS OF CHILDREN STARVE IN AFRICA BECAUSE OF SPIDER-MAN Read more Pg. 13**

**SPIDER-MAN IS A PEDOPHILE Read more Pg. 14**

**SPIDER-MAN'S REAL IDENTITY IS SATAN Read more Pg. 15**

**SPIDER-MAN DOESN'T RECYCLE Read more Pg. 16**

**SPIDER-MAN SANK THE TITANIC Read more Pg. 17**

**SPIDER-MAN RESPONSIBLE FOR GLOBAL WARMING Read more Pg. 18**

**SPIDER-MAN RESPONSIBLE FOR THE BUBONIC PLAGUE Read more Pg. 19**

**JFK SHOOTER REVEALED TO HAVE BEEN SPIDER-MAN ALL ALONG Read more Pg. 20**

**CHARLES MANSON KILLED BECAUSE OF SPIDER-MAN Read more Pg. 21**

**TAXES ARE RAISED THANKS TO SPIDER-MAN Read more Pg. 22**

**WEATHER: SPIDER-MAN CAUSES HURRICANE IN THE MIDWEST Read more Pg. 23**

**YOUR HOROSCOPE FOR TODAY:**

**ARIES**

**You're gonna lose your job today thanks to Spider-Man**

**TAURUS**

**Spider-Man is going to steal your girlfriend**

**GEMINI**

**Spider-Man is spreading rumors about you in the workplace**

**CANCER**

**Your spouse is cheating on you with Spider-Man**

**LEO**

**Your day will start great, then you'll meet Spider-Man**

**VIRGO**

**Spider-Man is selling drugs to your kids**

**LIBRA**

**Spider-Man will do everything he can do to destroy your life**

**SCORPIO**

**Spider-Man will run over you with his car**

**SAGITTARIUS**

**You're gonna be thrown out of a building by Spider-Man**

**CAPRICORNI**

**Your happiness upsets Spider-Man**

**AQUARIUS**

**Spider-Man will kill you**

**PISCES**

**Avoid carbohydrates and Spider-Man**

* * *

**AND NOW...  
**

**A SPECIAL PREVIEW OF "MARVEL HEADLINES: PHASE 2" INSPIRED BY THE IRON MAN 3 TRAILER**

* * *

**TONY STARK'S MANSION DESTROYED BY NEWSCOPTERS**

The channel 1 News team got tired of waiting for news to happen and decided to make their own news by destroying Tony Stark's Cliffside mansion, which was dragged into the sea.

The live footage of the attack will probably cause their ratings to skyrocket.

Damn it. I wish we had thought of that first.

**FANS WITH BAD EYESIGHT/PERVERTED MINDS MISTAKE BACKGROUND BUNNY'S PAWS WITH TITS Read more Pg. 69**

**AFTER DEFEATING MANDARIN, IRON MAN WILL FACE THE TRIPLE MENACE OF LATIN, YIDDISH, AND CANTONESE Read more Pg. 8**

* * *

**"MARVEL HEADLINES: PHASE 2" COMING 2015 (OR 2016 IF AVENGERS 2 IS PUSHED BACK)**

* * *

**Once again, thanks for all the support you guys gave me on my first multi-chapter fic. I will take a little FanFic vacation, but I may still publish something before the end of the year, but probably it won't be Avengers related.  
**

**See you guys 2015!  
**

**Sincerely, Michael S. - The Man From Mars.  
**


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